Luck Be A Lady

I have had so much going on since I started directing "White Christmas" in September! Here we are, fast forward to December and its closing night! I have much to say but need some of my well earned time to put those thoughts down. I will probably put things down in my lovely blog in some random bizarre order since my brain has become more random these past few months! I have had a ton of new opportunities shine on me in a matter of 48 hours. Plus I've seen friends or will see friends I haven't seen in 10+ years. This show has been a much needed tonic or elixir I've needed. Except for the continued (and somewhat delayed) packing up of my moms house everything else is so much more joyful in life again and it's lovely to be able to say that. It's been long road back to life and I'm glad I haven't had to pretend to be happy for the first time in many moons! Okay, I think it's time to bake some cookies!

I must have some incredibly high standards that are unreachable. I am in shock over someone's behavior right now. They have gotten away with horrible behavior over the past 5 years or so. I'm wondering how the hell they manage to worm their way into leadership positions despite their lack of respect toward others and their mediocre output. Seriously, I can't believe this person. And even worse, I chose to go against my gut and give them a chance to prove themselves. And they failed. And then lied. I hate to use the word 'never' as you always end up eating your words but he makes me want to say 'never again'. I'm going to put him on my list and keep him at arm's length. I'm done with trying to give any more chances. Time for them to start earning their way back with someone else. I'm going to move on and surround myself with people that care and try their best. Even if they fail, they're doing better than this person. At least they'

Philippians 4:13  I can do all things through him who strengthens me It has been a tough week. We delivered the papers to sell my mom's house and then find there's still a loan attached to the property. Of course, it's been paid off but I have to find proof of it which means we're going to be delayed in getting our paperwork finalized and get our money. The check is sitting at the escrow company and I can't touch it. I'm still looking for proof of the loan being paid off (which I know it was since my dad told me the day he wrote the final check many years ago) in order to get this stupid lien off the property. I find it so difficult to go to the house to even pack or do anything to finalize this. I am dragging my heels constantly, avoiding anything I can to deal with it. My grief seems even worse right now.... I manage to get through my required events of the day but it's all I can do to step foot into her house to pack. I keep praying. Praying fo

Two days ago I was sitting in the chair at the orthodontist office and took the plunge and am now wearing braces (again).  Every time I look in the mirror I am shocked and think it's the 13 year old me looking back. Granted, I weigh a lot more than I did at 13 but my face really looks like I did back then! I almost laugh every time after that initial shock. I started flashing back and remembered the initial discomfort like the lips, tongue and cheek cuts, as well as the the lisping and extra saliva.  I am looking forward to the day when my mouth develops the calluses so it won't be so uncomfortable. All this discomfort is certainly worth it. I've already had a lot of dental work done over the past 5 weeks prepping for braces. I was not the best at visiting the dentist regularly but I have learned my lesson. I now have very clean teeth and I floss like a madwoman! Of course, now that I have braces it's more awkward but I am trying to be really good and maintain my ne

I am in somewhat of a cynical mood. This isn't my normal MO to say the least. I have been doing something I love (directing) and we have been working hard to sell my mom's house over the past month. With the show opening in 12 days and the papers being signed on Tuesday for the house I'm now starting the process of packing up everything so the buyers can start doing their remodeling and stuff just in time for hell week of the show. Everything should wrap up all by the end of November. So..... why am I being so cranky? Well, that's a good question. The anniversary of my mom's passing was an awful day and the days after haven't been much better. We're approaching the two biggest holidays of the year plus my birthday and I also have to deal with having a guest in our house soon. Because I'm  honest I can say that as much as I love Thanksgiving and Christmas it just doesn't feel the same now that my family is basically gone. I often feel like I shouldn

I am kind of reeling over some 'drama' in the drama department. I am wondering WTF is going on around here. Is there something in the water? Are we secretly being fed stupid pills? I am in a state of confusion. I don't know how or why people have to be so difficult. Why do people have to yell and snap at others when they're in a position of authority? Are the followers not following? Were they not trained right to being with? Were they not given respect in the first place? A good leader trains their team to follow but also respects them enough to train them to become leaders through example. I am wondering when leaders stopped teaching by example? I hate it when people use social media to announce things in a  passive/aggressive way to gain sympathy or whatever else they're missing in their lives. They should be fully aware that most people know what they're doing and aren't buying it. Face facts. You did something wrong. Say you're sorry. And don

I'm still rambling about the same topic because I am feeling a lot of guilt over my gossipy ways. I have such a tendency to be so critical - it drives me crazy when I succumb to bitching and griping about people and things. Like I said before, I am super critical so I notice lots of little things, especially when I go to the theatre or a concert. Since that's where my passion lies, it's what I know. I do have to be careful in my choices of things that I go see. I can understand that a kids production (school, etc.) will be held to a different standard than a community theatre show. I'm not going to shoot down people. I really do enjoy a show and I find the good in everything. I will do my best to find it if it's a 'bad' show, whatever the reason. There's always something good in a show. I know that I suffered many blows and stabs in the back when I was a theatre employee. It drove me crazy that the things that were said about me behind my back never

I was thinking about my last entry. I know it was a bit harsh but I was really writing from the heart at that given moment. I don't edit my thoughts other than my spelling so what you read is going through my brain pretty much those seconds before I type it. I am not having second thoughts as much as I am trying to re-think or re-state some of it. I do believe that I am one of the harshest critics around but I also think I really enjoy shows a lot when I go see them. I do try to see the best of it and even if I don't like the show for whatever reason, I really do appreciate all the hard work that went into it. I am a good audience member and I will find something amazing in every show. I will laugh and cry if I'm moved by something. So, I think I do enjoy more than 75% of a show most of the time. I think I really do see the good in performances. I think what my biggest issue is may be more about the big picture. That isn't controlled by the actors or designers.  Thi

I always find myself trying to come up with compliments that I can say when I see a show that I either don't like to start with (the book or music, or both) or one that I didn't like the way it was directed, acted or designed (or a combination of the three). I certainly appreciate all the hard work and effort that everyone put into it. I don't want to be unappreciative because I'm being critical. But..... I still find myself grasping at straws for the right way of saying something so that I'm not lying. I hate lying.... Ultimately, I end up doing just that. If I hate a show, there's little for me to say other than "You did a good job but I still hate the show." If I like the show but hate the actor's interpretation I pretty much have to say "You sure worked hard!" or "Congratuations! Good job!" I basically lie. Did I say I hate lying? Because I really do. I want to be able to give constructive criticism but ultimately it&#

I have just started rehearsals for my latest show. Of course, being a musical I don't have to worry about interacting with actors at the moment since they're dancing and singing. Most of my job right now is to work with my staff on design and to answer any questions they might have about their part of the job. I am always fascinated by how a show comes together and I always hope mine will come together easily. Inevitably there is something that goes wrong or someone causes a drama and creates more headaches but you barrel on through it. I felt better after reading Carolee Caramello's latest blog about her show that is currently at Seattle's 5th Avenue Theatre, "Saving Aimee." Here's her latest blog entry and it made me feel good to know that even a professional actor and theatre struggles just like we do. Considering I only have to interpret an established show rather than change, edit, cut and deal with writers, actors, etc., because of the constant cha

Now spit! Love that song from Little Shop. I think LS was one of my proudest moments as a director. The cast, crew, staff, designers, everything was perfect. But I digress. I am thinking about the dentist. I had a serious consult with the orthodontist because my teeth are getting more crooked by the year. I didn't think my teeth were that bad but it turns out, they are that bad. I have to have serious surgery done on my upper jaw (known as SARPE) after I have braces on for about a year. Of course, I can schedule the surgery to fit my life and its situations since I'll be in the hospital and then basically in bed for 4-5 days after that. Then I have lots of major pain and meds and swelling - typical surgery issues. Then another year of braces and then I should have a perfectly aligned mouth, jaws and everything. According to everyone in the office, I will look 10 years younger. I could deal with that issue. :-) I am getting a wisdom tooth pulled, and potentially losing ano

So I'm ranting a little bit this morning. I can't do it on Facebook unless I block certain people and I'm not in the mood to create more settings.  And now social networking becomes censored which pisses me off because I have to worry about hurting people's feelings when all I am doing is stating how I feel or what I'm doing at any given moment. I know, I know.... just change my settings. Well, I might have to just do that. I have recently re-established a relationship with someone who was a very important part of my life/family. While the circumstances are not necessarily the happiest, things are definitely improving for them and I'm glad I can be a part of their life. That being said, there's some garbage from the past that occasionally permeates old relationships. It's not the two people that have issues with the past. We're way, way past all that. It's people who weren't even around at the time that are causing the trouble. All I

Seriously, I am living a double life theatrically. I'm helping to music direct 'Rocky Horror Show' and just started rehearsals for "White Christmas" which I am directing. Can you imagine doing a mashup of music from those two musicals? It's almost like my brain is having seizures when it hears "Rose Tint My World" against "Snow, Snow, Snow".  Luckily for me, my music rehearsals don't clash with my directing schedule. It's just strange having the music from these two shows running through my brain like they do at 1:30 in the morning. I looked back at my Sept. 11th blog and while I had every right to worry I am glad that I got enough actors and dancers for my show and I'm very happy with the caliber of talent. What really gets to me though is the insane conflicts that performers now throw at us. I cannot, in my mind even think of being in more than one show at a time. I used to go from show to show when I was younger (and single

Oh, how I love Stevie Ray Vaughn and this song. I'm relating to it in more ways than one right now. I am finding myself at a bit of a loss right now. I am soon to be happily ensconced in directing a show that I love but am wondering if there will be enough quality performers to cast it. There are so many theatres around here and so many that are doing musicals at or near the same time. Beyond that, there are more theatres in the next county that actors are migrating to and of course some go to the big city and try their luck there as well. There once was a time when there were only 3 to 5 theatres in this county. Now there are at least 9 plus 3 or 4 more in the next county that actors like to flock to.  Once there was only one theatre exclusive to musicals. Now this county has 4 plus there's one in Tacoma that takes a lot of our talent. What makes things more difficult is that there's never enough men to fill a roster so you're always scraping, begging and borrowing

Cue the Mission Impossible music! I'm sitting here at CSTOCK at our interns meeting and reveling in how cool this workshop is. The 31 kids here are outstanding. They are so talented and I feel lucky to be here. The interns are learning how hard it is to direct and gaining a lot more respect for those of us who are crazy enough to do it, LOL. This show has pre-recorded music which is a blessing and yet a curse. I love that I can use vocal tracks to help the kids learn their music. They are such quick studies and we were using the accompaniment tracks by the third day. I'm so impressed! With people who can't play the piano, these CDs are a godsend. They don't have to be able to read a full score and play like an expert. Teachers can relax and not worry about playing. That's the good part about it. The bad part is that there is no spontaneity allowed with recorded music. There is no way to jump around and follow the singer. The singer has no chance to use rubato...

There are moments when you feel used. This is one of them. I'm not mad. I'm not upset. I'm just disappointed. Life goes on and I am fine. As a matter of fact, things are great in my life. I guess what I feel more than anything is pity and sadness. Something isn't quite right and I'm wondering how much longer before the you-know-what hits the fan.  I'm praying.....not for me but for someone else. Speaking of the 'you-know-what' (here's a bit of TMI if you want to skip this but I find this to be rather funny), I was feeling really bound up and tighter than a drum late this afternoon but once I was able to let go of something, I let it all go literally. I laughed.... God really does have a sense of humor! I am feeling so much better right now (even though I'm not at 100% just yet) that I know everything that happened to me today happened for the right reason. And luckily, God found it in his heart to keep me regular!

So it was a fun day of playing piano for a theatre audition today. I was pleasantly surprised at how many people brought music (rather than CDs) today. It gave me hope that all is not lost. As much as I am down on karaoke for auditions, I know how convenient they are and so I don't mind them showing up as long as they're appropriate and don't have the vocal track on them. You'd be surprised how often people used to bring in CD's of a song WITH the singer on the track. I haven't seen that happen lately and then with today's abundance of sheet music, I have found hope again that people want to sing with a live accompaniment. It was a good day filled with lots of talented performers - I find it hard to see the numbers of auditioning actors that show up going down. Gone are the old days of 75-120 actors coming to an audition. Typically, there are about 35-40 showing up and usually too many girls/women. There's too many theatres with too many opportunities

If I'd had a hammer.....I'd probably would have pounded it against my head a year ago or tried to take down a few walls. But now I realize that so much of my frustrations weren't necessarily about my lack of ability or lack of success. I can see so much more clearly now that it wasn't about me. I was targeted occasionally which I know made me furious and I know that I wasn't always right or the smartest with my decision making skills. I did have the heart and I did want to do my best but sometimes it wasn't enough. I was fighting a very big mountain or concrete wall that seemed indestructible. Now that I've had a chance to step away and look at it I know that there is no way I could have moved that mountain. At least not at this time.... and I have finally accepted that. I don't like to accept defeat - I rarely let it go. But this time, I will and I'm okay with it. I can still do what's right and do my best to make things better but I need to

I have been thriving being back at work this past week. I've missed being somewhere everyday for 8 hours at a time. I like being around people and kids a lot. I have been struggling personally since I've not had a full-time job for a little over a year. This the first time in my adult life that I've gone more than 8 weeks without a job. Of course, part of this is my own fault since I'm not willing to take just 'any' job and I really want to focus on my teaching. Still, it's been tough on us since we've been relying on Mark's income and his teaching (as well as mine) hasn't been as lucrative as it used to be when we worked out of a music store. I know that if my teaching doesn't pick up I'll have to go back to a retail job or something that I hate doing and the thought of it sickens me. I don't want to deal with that business again. I keep praying that something will work out and I keep looking and I have good friends who continue

So I am ever grateful for the summer kids workshops that I'm involved with right now. It has given me an opportunity to be at the theatre and work with some really neat people of all ages. I've really enjoyed the experience so far and I'm looking forward to seeing the end result (which happens to be the musical "Oklahoma"). While I would hate to call this situation an escape, that's kind of what it's been for me. My tolerance level for a certain someone has made it necessary for me to be able to get away and be in my 'safe' place (theatre). Granted, the workshop is a job and a fulfilling one at that and I really am loving and learning at the same time. But ultimately, this really has been a much needed place for me to hide out, calm down, focus on others and just be me. I literally have no patience for this certain someone. I can't believe how I am feeling about this right now. I am trying so hard to walk a mile in their shoes and keep remi

Yesterday was a bad day....I should clarify that. It was a bad few hours. I'm hoping to find a way to write all this down in the next day or so.... I am so in need of patience, a lot of patience. Being impatient is probably one my worst traits. I keep praying that I'll find some somewhere soon.... maybe it's right around the corner? Over that hill? On the other side of the mountain? Somewhere.... Time for me to break down and get some caffeine. I've been avoiding coffee for the last 8 months and doing quite well. Not today.... I need a big energy boost to get through this day.

I realized I hadn't done something in a long time..... I haven't cracked open a book to read strictly for pleasure's sake. I've read scripts, newspapers, magazines (some for pleasure) and yes, I guess I need to rephrase my first statement as I have read cookbooks (which is incredibly pleasing for me but it's more of a 'how to' book). Still, I haven't read a regular book in forever. That changed today. I noticed that I totally relaxed and went to a place I hadn't been in awhile.... it was euphoric. I have really missed doing this. I look forward to finishing this book and if I can manage my normal pace it should be done within a few days.  It covers a topic that is near and dear to the child in me. I cannot wait to get lost in this current book.... ahhhhhh......

I have been feeling a little blah lately. I know part of it is just the normal depression I've been dealing with for the past 6 months. I know that with time this will all get better. Since they (whoever they are) say that 'time heals all wounds' I'm counting of the pain of my loss diminishing bit by bit and the regular me will finally be back. Life still goes on of course but I sure do find it hard sometimes to even get out of bed (or off the sofa) and be ambitious. Some days I'm better but the past few have been more difficult. I'm not worrying about this so much and just being able to say that it's been hard to motivate myself makes me feel a lot better. I can acknowledge it and move forward. Anyway, on to what I meant to discuss: as life does go on I was thinking about all my expectations in the arts whether it's music (both my husband and I are professional level musicians), theatre, movies, writing, art, etc. I find that I am super critical of

I had one of my recurring nightmares last night.... this one I've been having off and on for more than 20 years. I always hate it because it takes place in a very large, old and very scary looking building with more rooms and square footage than meets the eye. It's decrepit and gross in places and without going into too much detail, there can be a lot of disgusting solid matter lying about. What was strange about this dream was it woke me up around 6:15am (usually it's a 2 or 3 am thing) and as soon as I got up and realized it was 'that' dream I didn't want to go back to bed because I was sure I'd fall back into the dream. I got up, went to the bathroom and then got myself a drink from the kitchen to delay the inevitable. I finally crawled back into bed and sure enough I started dreaming the damn dream again. I couldn't stand it..... I even knew it was a dream and kept saying 'wake up!' to myself. What happened next is what happens to so many

Today is my little Muffin's foster mom's birthday. I am so grateful for all these wonderful people who make it their life's work to rescue animals and give them refuge and eventually a 'forever' home. Our little furry girl has been with us for 14 months and she's finally acclimated to our life. She is such a crazy little pup...but of the three we've rescued she is the one who loves to cuddle, especially with Mark. Candy (Muffin's FM) is such a sweet and gracious gal from Taiwan who still goes about her day (after working a full time job) trying to save dogs from these crazy, vicious people who think it's fun to abandon them or even worse, kill them for sport.  She and the gang at Ocean Dog Rescue are amazing... I am so grateful I came upon their site and was able to save one pup. I wish I had the resources to save them all but since we've already rescued two others and taken on my mom's dog we're at our maximum at the moment.  Seriou

I feel like a sinking ship right now. I knew I'd start to get a little depressed once I got close to the weekend and it's finally hitting me. No show this weekend...le sigh. While I'm glad (and Mark is too!) to have my weekends back I really loved this role and this show. I loved these songs, the story, etc. The only thing I won't miss is the frantic costume changing of Act II! Mark wants to get me a replica of Edie Beale's scarf pin as a memento (or as Edie would say...memora-bay-le-a) which I think is a wonderful idea. I have always loved scarves but typically they're around my neck as opposed to on my head. Now, having had to go through an entire act of a show with a scarf on my head (or a sweater!) I found it quite stylish and fun. You certainly don't have to worry about your hair! I definitely plan to invest in an Hermes scarf or two (they're pricey!) and start hunting at shops for antique ones. I think that's a great way to remember Miss Ed

I just finished a run of 'Grey Gardens', the musical that is based on the movie (documentary) of the same name. I had the joy of playing both mom and daughter so it was an amazing experience to try to figure out the relationship from both ends. I'm still in shock that it's over. I can't fathom the fact that I don't have to do this show again next weekend. It's become very ingrained in me. Mark notices that my speech patterns and accent have changed. We laugh about it but it's true that Edie Beale has merged with me in more ways than one. I'm going to really feel the loss of this show. At the moment I'm just tired enough to not really feel it. But I know I will.... sure I have two shows to direct this coming season and another show to vocal direct so it is time to move on. But it will be tough to say goodbye to Edith and Edie. I know I'll shed a tear or two.

Sixteen years ago I was living life and not worrying about much.... I was enjoying being in a relationship and doing theatre (I was on a pretty long run of show after show after show - I had lots more energy and time back then!) and working for a music store. I felt like I was thriving..... not much to worry about other than where was vacation going to be that year! Sixteen years ago all was well. It was the calm before the storm before the rug was to be yanked from under me. Sixteen years ago a little puppy was born in June. She was a little black furball, all wrinkly and adorable. She was to live a life of fear and hell for her first year but within a few months she would join my family.  When I first met Jessie she was almost 15 months old and scared of her own shadow. She'd been horribly mistreated by her previous owner and the breeder took her back and decided to only sell her to a family that would not attempt to breed or show her - just love her and let her live a happy

That's a song title & quote from my current show, Grey Gardens. It's interesting to be in a play that is based on people that existed on this planet and then to hear real quotes either as dialogue or song lyrics. Norman Vincent Peale is a character in this play and this song is a transitional piece as well as a way to give the audience some relief in the middle of so much tragedy. During the show I have no connection to this song only because I'm rushing from a scene back to the dressing room to do a quick change. I do know the song since I learned it during rehearsals and I sang it with the cast during warmups on Sunday. It was nice to really hear the lyrics, sing along and get some 'happy' since the show itself isn't necessarily joyful. I find that this show drains me emotionally as well as physically so it takes me a couple of days to get out of my funk. I actually got home Sunday afternoon and was aching so bad I just wanted to crawl into bed. Mark t

Continuing with today's blog.... My big acting gig came about this Spring when I got cast in "Grey Garden's" at the lovely Jewel Box Theatre in Poulsbo. Yes, this is a musical based on the documentary of the same name. It's the story of Big Edie & Little Edie Bouvier (aunt and cousin of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis) and I finally have gotten the role(s) of my lifetime. I'm not saying that Mama Rose (Gypsy), Maria (Sound of Music),  Diana (Chorus Line), Eve/Mama (Children of Eden) or Aldonza/Dulcinea (Man of LaMancha)  weren't big dream roles because they were. I am so grateful for those experiences in more ways than one. If anything they all prepped me for this experience. I have had issues with memorizing lines over the past few shows. I don't know if it was fear, procrastination, doubt, or combinations thereof but I was really worried about this show. I learned the songs relatively fast, mainly by listening to the cd for 8 weeks. I haven

I should write more often.... I say that practically every time I write an entry! I really and truly enjoy doing this. I've always thought I should write a book and I do have several of them in my head. I guess it's a matter of sitting down and letting the words pour through my fingers and onto the keyboard, right? I think I'll try to start that project this year. I've got a couple of projects lines up already and two of them are shows to direct. I'm happy I've basically had this year off to do whatever I wanted. I've been teaching part-time, but that's it. I actually have been home a lot, watching the dogs and enjoying what little sunshine & warmth we've been given this Spring. Sad state of affairs around our beautiful Pacific NW only having about 4 days of warmth, right? Gee whiz, Mother Nature.... get your act together so we housewives can enjoy some time outside?  I only started truly gardening a few days ago since I was busy with my curren

I'm sitting here looking at a little bit of that 'snow' that was supposed to bombard us yesterday but finally decided to show up. I think this snow should be fired for not knowing their entrance cue! Today is a wonderful day. It's also sad for me too. A year ago today I was sicker than a dog but managed to pull it together enough to marry the most wonderful man in the world. Mark and I were in balmy Las Vegas, celebrating the first day of the 'rest of our lives' and the first phone call we made as we were driving away from the chapel was to my mom. She knew where we were and what we were doing of course. But hearing her voice on my cell phone she seemed so joyfully surprised and that is the memory of the wedding I cherish and hold dearest to me right now. You never know when you'll be called back 'home' and I am grateful that I had my mom here on this earth to talk to on that special day. To think she didn't want to go because she

I've managed to get through some of the big 'firsts' without my mom so far: Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday (also on Christmas). I should say 'we' managed as Mark is grieving too and sometimes I have to admit I get a bit self-absorbed in my grief and I forget that Mark is hurting in his own way. He not only has to deal with his loss but watching me go through my depression and despair. I don't admire his position one bit. I'm not the easiest person to deal with when I'm in an unhappy situation. New Year's hit me a bit differently though. I had forgotten how tied into my culture New Years was/is. My mom (being 100% Japanese) did all the traditional foods for New Years including mochi, chestnuts and some other Japanese treats. I know, chestnuts aren't necessarily Japanese but the people there love them and we always had them during the New Year's holiday as opposed to Christmas in my family. So I'm walking through Central Market (o