Alone again, naturally
I am in somewhat of a cynical mood. This isn't my normal MO to say the least. I have been doing something I love (directing) and we have been working hard to sell my mom's house over the past month. With the show opening in 12 days and the papers being signed on Tuesday for the house I'm now starting the process of packing up everything so the buyers can start doing their remodeling and stuff just in time for hell week of the show. Everything should wrap up all by the end of November.
So..... why am I being so cranky? Well, that's a good question. The anniversary of my mom's passing was an awful day and the days after haven't been much better. We're approaching the two biggest holidays of the year plus my birthday and I also have to deal with having a guest in our house soon. Because I'm honest I can say that as much as I love Thanksgiving and Christmas it just doesn't feel the same now that my family is basically gone. I often feel like I shouldn't be here anymore. I know, I know.... that sounds almost suicidal. Trust me, I have no intention of doing anything so stupid. I like living, really I do. I am so lucky to have a wonderful husband and 4 adorable dogs (and now 2 fat cats) that love me. I have a small group of friends that care. But when you are the sole survivor of your original family unit there is a sense of abandonment that makes you get angry at your god. I don't care who you are or how religious you are or how nice you are. You will get mad at your higher power. This 'let go and let God' quote is a good one but as a human being with emotions I can't do it just yet. I still have anger and resentment at God for making me deal with this. I love the Lord with all of my heart but He cannot explain to me why I have to feel this way. I wanted more years with my mom and dad. I wanted to experience more and hear more stories. And now, it's all ripped away from me.
So I know this all sounds ungrateful and emotional but it's how I feel. Right when all of this happened I was surrounded by lots of people who wanted to help. Well, that was all good and well but what about now? A year later and I am still seeking answers. I'm still sad. I'm still angry. I know how selfish this all is but it's how I feel. I keep a lot of this to myself - no one wants to hear this anymore.
Okay.... it was good to get this off my chest. It's been eating at me for days and I've been wanting to write for a long time but something wouldn't let me verbalize this. It's a tough thing to say but it's how I've been feeling. I know things will get better. I've been thinking about a lot of things lately and my energy and motivation have been slowly coming back. Time will heal this wound eventually......in the mean time, I keep trying to walk forward.
So..... why am I being so cranky? Well, that's a good question. The anniversary of my mom's passing was an awful day and the days after haven't been much better. We're approaching the two biggest holidays of the year plus my birthday and I also have to deal with having a guest in our house soon. Because I'm honest I can say that as much as I love Thanksgiving and Christmas it just doesn't feel the same now that my family is basically gone. I often feel like I shouldn't be here anymore. I know, I know.... that sounds almost suicidal. Trust me, I have no intention of doing anything so stupid. I like living, really I do. I am so lucky to have a wonderful husband and 4 adorable dogs (and now 2 fat cats) that love me. I have a small group of friends that care. But when you are the sole survivor of your original family unit there is a sense of abandonment that makes you get angry at your god. I don't care who you are or how religious you are or how nice you are. You will get mad at your higher power. This 'let go and let God' quote is a good one but as a human being with emotions I can't do it just yet. I still have anger and resentment at God for making me deal with this. I love the Lord with all of my heart but He cannot explain to me why I have to feel this way. I wanted more years with my mom and dad. I wanted to experience more and hear more stories. And now, it's all ripped away from me.
So I know this all sounds ungrateful and emotional but it's how I feel. Right when all of this happened I was surrounded by lots of people who wanted to help. Well, that was all good and well but what about now? A year later and I am still seeking answers. I'm still sad. I'm still angry. I know how selfish this all is but it's how I feel. I keep a lot of this to myself - no one wants to hear this anymore.
Okay.... it was good to get this off my chest. It's been eating at me for days and I've been wanting to write for a long time but something wouldn't let me verbalize this. It's a tough thing to say but it's how I've been feeling. I know things will get better. I've been thinking about a lot of things lately and my energy and motivation have been slowly coming back. Time will heal this wound eventually......in the mean time, I keep trying to walk forward.
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