Rabbit Hole

Philippians 4:13  I can do all things through him who strengthens me

It has been a tough week. We delivered the papers to sell my mom's house and then find there's still a loan attached to the property. Of course, it's been paid off but I have to find proof of it which means we're going to be delayed in getting our paperwork finalized and get our money. The check is sitting at the escrow company and I can't touch it. I'm still looking for proof of the loan being paid off (which I know it was since my dad told me the day he wrote the final check many years ago) in order to get this stupid lien off the property.

I find it so difficult to go to the house to even pack or do anything to finalize this. I am dragging my heels constantly, avoiding anything I can to deal with it. My grief seems even worse right now.... I manage to get through my required events of the day but it's all I can do to step foot into her house to pack.

I keep praying. Praying for strength, praying for hope, praying for guidance, praying for help. I don't necessarily see any improvement other than my lawyers are amazing in trying to help me get this lien off the property as quickly as possible. I need to do one more look through my dad's papers and try to find the payoff proof. 

I know that I am wallowing. I am trying to remember that there are others who have even worse things to deal with. A good friend of mine is dealing with her husband being in a mysterious coma. She has two young sons and now she's dealing with this! I'm trying to be strong for her but I know there are many who are also stepping up for her and her family. I try to focus on other things to keep me from spiraling too far into my own misery.

I am reading the play "Rabbit Hole" right now. I just read a scene between the mother and daughter (who both have lost their sons). Granted, the loss of a parent has got to be far different from the loss of your own child but this scene made so much sense to me.

Becca: Mom?  Does it go away?

Nat: What.

Becca: This feeling. Does it ever go away?

Nat: No, I don't think it does. Not for me, it hasn't. And that's going on eleven years. It changes though.

Becca: How?

Nat: I don't know. The weight of it, I guess. At some point it becomes bearable. It turns into something you can crawl out from under. And carry around -- like a brick in your pocket. And you forget every once in a while, but then you reach for whatever reason and there it is: "Oh right. THAT." Which can be awful. But not all the time. Sometimes it's kinda....Not that you like it exactly, but it's what you have instead of your son, so you don't want to let go of it either. So you carry it around. And it doesn't go away which is....

Becca: What?

Nat: Fine....actually.

I'm trying to crawl out from under my rock. I keep going back in but I keep popping my head back out. I'm trying... and I guess that's the best I can do for now.