Luck Be A Lady

Well we're approaching the end of the holiday/year! Means my birthday is almost upon us!   We've decided to head on down to San Diego to visit Mark's family. It's been 4 years since my last visit so I'm glad to be able to see everyone again!  Of course, the drive down is always annoying (well, only through the Siskyous Mountains if there's lots of snow) but I'm looking forward to some sun! It should be fun....I haven't seen my nieces in ages and now they're almost all grown up! I know Mark will LOVE being able to hang out with his sister as well as his mom without having to rush around.  He's already under stress having to deal with work, my birthday, Christmas gifts, etc.! Poor guy.... Once I get back home, I'm going to start doing a lot of DIY stuff that I've been obsessing over on Pinterest! Get ready to try out some products friends.... I'm really excited to get started!

Well, I seem to be going down the DIY path more and more. I'm still in chaos at home (the house is stacked to the gills with junk, stuff, everything and the kitchen sink!) so I am slowly trying to organize this place. You'd think with me working very 'part time' I'd get this house in pristine order! No.... it's not happening any faster than if I were working 50 hour work weeks! I know I'm lazy by nature but I'm trying to get my rear in gear and make this house a 'home.' Anyway, back to the DIY thing: I've been addicted to Pinterest to the point that I'm staying up until 3am looking at recipes, dogs, drinks, Christmas decor, house remodeling ideas, organization, etc. I kept coming across many pins related to coconut oil and it really got my curiosity going. My dietician insisted I start using it in my cooking since it's so good for us but I had been sitting on this big jar of stuff we bought at Costco. Well.... I finally started real

Okay, one of the benefits of doing community theatre is meeting people. Meeting people typically gets you new recipes! (Just like church, school functions) The last show I did, our stage manager shared a family recipe for a cottage cheese/shrimp dip. I about died when I tried it. It's so addicting! I've doctored it up to match our family's tastes (we love garlic and a few other herbs) and here's what I got: 8 oz. (1 cup) of softened cream cheese 8 oz. (1 cup) cottage cheese 1/2 cup (or more) of small bite sized shrimp (or chopped up shrimp) 1-2 cloves finely chopped garlic 1 tsp (or more) dill 1/4-1/2 tsp onion powder Salt & pepper to taste Mix this all together and let it set in the fridge (covered) overnight. Letting it sit will mellow out the hot bite raw garlic has (of course I ate it right away because I LOVE garlic). If you'd rather, use garlic powder so you can enjoy the taste without the heat but I don't think it tastes quite as fresh. Al

Dang it.... Mark was just complaining this a.m. that he's gaining weight too. I thought he'd maintain, especially with his daily walks to and from work. I'm ticked....not at him but at how our bodies are working as we approach 50. So..... I'm working on ways to get us in better shape. Obviously, we need to exercise and eat right.  But sometimes, even that doesn't work well. So....I'm researching things. My nutritionist gave me a new menu to work with and I need to attempt to stick to it. It's quite good actually....not this non-fat crap that is loaded with sugar but real foods, organic and healthy. I'll keep posting things as I discover what and what doesn't work. I'm pretty excited about a couple of things I found. In the meantime, I'm going to get back into my former weight training/cardio plan. I hope it works. I was poking around Pinterest and found this. I about died..... Britney Spears 2001 Seriously.... the girl was young (ab

Several things.... 1) the Newton, CT school shooting. So many children lost. Brave teachers/staff - some lost, many survived and were able to protect their young charges. So many families devastated. I pray those that are left behind to mourn will find some kind of peace.  There is no logical reason for this. Sudden loss is incredibly painful. I know. 2) I am trying to cut back on certain activities. I don't feel that my talents and time are necessarily wanted or needed in some places. Sometimes, it's just not appreciated and that's when I start looking at the front door. I think I need to focus on me and my little family.  Time for a shift in priorities. 3) This is so trivial, especially in light of what happened today. I auditioned for two shows. Did not get in to either. And ya know, I'm totally okay with it. My old self would have argued (inside voices of course) and thought WTF but I do realize that I'm not always the best choice. Sometimes, I'm the w

Oy veh..... I'm a glutton for punishment. I wanted to take a break. And yet, I went to an audition. I've got another one coming up too. What am I - nuts? Yup. Plain and simple. I live and breathe this stuff. Music, theatre, art, I love it all. Life isn't worth living without it. If I'm not in it, I want to be teaching it. Directing it. Watching it. Just being in the same room with it is a thrill. I did my best to stay away for a little while. I really tried. Looks like I'm going to eat crow and jump back in.

I still reel with pain and anguish now and then over the loss of my mom. Strange..... it's been over 2 years but it hits with such a violent force and that's the surprise. I expected the pain, really I did. But I guess I didn't expect the big, gigantic surprise hits. It happens so quickly like one of those rogue waves scientists are constantly trying to track and predict.  Sometimes, they paralyze me.  I honestly don't know if I can take another breath or smile or feel anything even remotely happy. The thing is.... I know the pain will pass because it always does. But the paralysis can take more than minutes to get over. I don't mean complete physical paralysis either.... I mean the full on emotional kind that makes it impossible to do anything normal. A regular chore seems like a triathalon that you've never had time to prepare for. Just getting dressed or taking a shower can seem like climbing Mt. Everest. Now the loss of my dad? That's a different fee

Well, I made it to the opening of the show. Auditions were on June 22/23 I believe and now it's exactly 3 months later and we have opening weekend under our belts.  Pure relief..... and boy does that feel good. Do I get a break? Hell No!  Of course, I go right into rehearsing another show but this time it's a cast of 4 gals and I'm teaching music and doing the choreography. That's right....I'm choreographing an entire show for the first time in ages.  I usually have a professional dancer or choreographer/teacher with me but this time, it's just me.  I can stage and do basic dancing so I'm feeling like this isn't above my level of dance ability. And it's all Christmas music....should actually be fun. Now that I'm at this point in the year I can reflect a bit and see how much I've been doing in the last 12 months. I've directed 3 shows and they were ALL musicals!  Am I nuts?  Add music directing the entire summer and now going onto the

I thought I might get a little break next week. But I'm not. I'm a bad person. I really wanted Mark's mom to go away for the week and visit her sister. But it's not to be. I guess they're too busy to have her over. I find that really odd. You'd think family would want to visit, especially when everyone is getting older and dying, right? That means I get to have her here for the duration. This was the one light that was shining at the end of the tunnel and I made it to Tuesday. Cut off at the pass. Damn.  Five more weeks to go. I know, I know. I'm a BAD girl. PS - When you don't want someone to help you around the house (guess who I'm talking about) you give them the simple things to do like fold laundry and unload the dishwasher. I'm playing 'guess where I found the pie cutter?' game during this trip. This time it was in the utility drawer with the pens & tape.

Well, it's been 2 months exactly since I started on the diet/exercise/change-your-life plan.  I'm still doing acupuncture (Mark and I paid for me to get the 'full meal deal') and it's really helped get rid of 99% of my headaches and helps with the lower GI issues. That's been a godsend.... Nutrisystem was a good start for me but I got really bored with the food...practically immediately. What it really taught me was food portions! Wow, I really do eat like a guy!  I could eat lots and lots of food and I didn't realize how much I was putting in my belly. I could do 2 servings (and sometimes 3) of pasta, especially my favorite bolognese or my sesame noodles. Luckily, the measuring and calorie checking has really opened my eyes to what I was actually ingesting and why I was gaining so much. Nutrisystem works hard to lower your sugar intake which was good for me too. Not that I was having much in the way of sweet tooth issues but the desire to eat candy and

I don't want to dignify my blog with a stupid punk's name. I know I shouldn't let petty B.S. get to me but sometimes certain people can just say a few words, look at you or even just be breathing the same air as you and piss you off, know what I mean? I am a sensitive creature. I don't take insults and smart ass comments lightly. I 'try' to keep my mouth shut and not say anything for at least a ten count. I want to fly off the handle and just say what's on my mind at the time but I have been taught to try to chill and not dignify the asshat with a response that will just add fuel to the fire. FYI - I love the word 'asshat'. It makes me feel good to say it OR write it down. I'm no saint obviously, and I have a mouth that can swear like a sailor on a bad day. Not that 'asshat' (I'm just giggling with joy being able to type this word more than 3 times already) is a really bad word. It just gives me great satisfaction and glee to use it

I have been wanting to write but was a bit preoccupied by some things. Mainly, we were on death watch for Jon's mom, Chris over the past couple of weeks. She just passed away a week ago after a two year battle with a lung disease. It was so tough to know to a certain extent what he was going through. I just re-read some of my blog entries around the time my mom died. I sobbed a lot..... it still hurts.... I still get depressed and feel lost. It's 20 months later and the hurt is still as deep as it was. Her funeral is today. Mark is going to be a pallbearer. I feel so much for Jon today. The worst day (besides the day I found my mom) was the day of her funeral/interment. I don't think I cried and felt the pain as much as I did that day. The tears I shed now as an adult seem more controlled and less frequent as when I was a teen or young adult but the pain is much deeper. It's because I really understand the logic of the loss and yet I don't understand it. Heart and

It's ironic that despite my getting more relaxed about mistakes and failures I still writhe in agony when I don't get cast in a role I really want.  I'm not necessarily mad at the director or the person that got cast - trust me, having been a director for all these years I understand that we really do hold the fate of the world in our little hands. We end up disappointing a lot of people and make a few the happiest they've ever been. I was flashing back to last year when I got one of my biggest dream roles as Edith/Little Edie in "Grey Gardens". I know I had my memorization issues (which I have thankfully gotten under control and can now learn quickly, even at this late state in my life!) but boy, once I had those lines down I really LOVED doing that role. I had my frustrations throughout the show of course but I still enjoyed the exquisite agony of learning to be such a tortured soul. Did I create an enormous amount of bitterness or anger in those ladies

Okay folks... that's a real song and in no way a reference to "Wicked", the musical. I'm not a huge fan of "Wicked" to begin with so lets be sure to stop all references to that show now. Life has been crazy and insane. Some in good ways, others have been quite bad. I have finally been able to cross off some things from my bucket list this past spring and that's always a great feeling. I got through another show and was quite proud of it, despite some grumblings about the financials. Points of view really do depend on how your mind works - I'm amazed at how the ability to be positive and life affirming is so good for me and how someone negative can bring down my energy and depress me with words. Cutting me like a knife (without meaning to), I really had to step away and re-evaluate some things about my last show.  Ultimately, I decided to swear and say "fuck em" (pardon me, gentle reader if I offend) and move on.  I had a great show.... ev

It's 4 days before we take off on our Alaskan cruise! I'm so darn excited. Mark has never been on a cruise ship before and it's been about 20 years since I have! Trying to get things clean and ready for our wonderful friend who'll be house & dog/cat sitting for the week. I hate cleaning but I hate the idea of someone staying in our house if it's a disaster zone! I'm feeling like (to steal from early Steve Martin) a 'ramblin guy'.  I have so many thoughts going through my head and wanted to treat the blog like a Harry Potter pensieve to relieve my brain of some of these thoughts. So..... here goes. I need to get my focus back and writing down all these thoughts should help get that back! 1) Why do people have to use FB to rant and be hurtful? It seems pointless to me. I understand using it because it's SOCIAL media.  But come on, most of us are grown ups and if you have a beef with someone or some group get the cojones to say what you think.

Now my show has finished its second weekend and has three to go. It's nice to be able to walk away when I want and be there just to watch it whenever I choose. The show is going well.... yes, there are things I'd like to change and add, etc., but overall I'm happy with the show. There are some limitations and there were some road blocks involved so the show isn't perfect but that's okay. The cast is doing well and the crew and orchestra are amazing. We got an excellent review in the local paper (well, as excellent as one could get considering) and the audiences seem to enjoy the show and I'm hoping the theatre is recouping its monies. I have had a relatively good experience with the show overall despite the dramas that seemed to drop on me over the last few weeks of rehearsals. I'm sitting here enjoying a nice cup of tea and looking out at the back yard (freshly mowed thanks to my wonderful husband) and the pups and kitties are snoozing away. Not a bad w

I'll elaborate more on this when I have time to just sit with my to cup of tea, my laptop and enjoy a little peace and quiet. Because this is my place to be free to say whatever I want I just want to say that March was probably the worst month I've had since I lost my mom. I don't think I've seen such chaos going on with the people around me or maybe I'm seeing it with much clearer eyes and it was around me all along. T Seriously, I don't think I've seen such a huge cluster fuck around me in a long time. Like I said I will elaborate later but it just felt really good to be able to say those words without being judged.

A theatre friend of mine reminded me of the poem "Rainbow Bridge". I guess it's not so much a poem as it is a story. It helps me to know that Emmy Lou is home again. I know she feels content and happy and is patiently waiting for Mark, me and the rest of the pack to arrive in our own time. I still miss her so much.... and yes, I'm tearing up again but it's okay.  I just miss the simple things like seeing her waiting for me at the front door or patiently watching me cook dinner. Hearing her little nails click on the linoleum or hearing her little breathing noises as she slept are some of the things I miss the most. My heart hurts but it will get easier with each passing day. Here's "Rainbow Bridge" for those of you that don't know it: Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our specia

Well, lightening does strike twice I guess. We lost our beloved Emmy Lou yesterday afternoon. It happened quickly. She was home with us and she went from starting to eat and wanting to be with me enough that she walked from her bed to the bathroom door one evening to complete lethargy and losing control of her bodily functions yesterday afternoon and passing in a matter of minutes. Emmy 2009 She was a dog that my student, Emileigh found back in 2005 wandering/running on Highway 305 in Poulsbo. We don't know if she was lost, abandoned or what but she turned out to be the sweetest, smartest, kindest and most wonderful dog anyone could ever be lucky enough to call their own. Emmy was a Pom/Sheltie mix with a guesstimated age around 5 when she was found. Anyone who saw her commented on her beauty and grace. She wasn't super friendly but she would wag her tail and let you pet her if you approached. I truly think she had the best of both breeds in her but ultimately she acted l

I am sitting here nervously this morning anticipating a horrible meeting but hoping for a miraculous report from Emmy's vet. She's been there for 24 hours being pumped with antibiotics and fluids and pain meds to fight the kidney infection and pancreatitis she seems to have taken on. I don't want to lose a second dog in 48 hours. I've taken the loss of Jessie much harder than I expected to. She was very old and we didn't have her full time until my mom passed away so my feelings of loss are intermingled with melancholy about missing my mom on a whole new level. It's a complicated kind of grief to say the least. With Emmy, this is about my child. Yeah, go ahead and tell me this isn't the same thing. Explain that to me and I'll still manage to punch you right in the face. Emmy is OUR first child, plain and simple. She is made us a threesome and we became a family. Dear God, I don't want to have to deal with losing her. Not yet...... And yet....w

So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehn, Goodbye I am writing with a very heavy heart today. The dog I have known for nearly 16 years finally made her way to the Rainbow Bridge. Jessie was nearly 17 years old - a miracle for any breed let alone a Shar Pei. Her breed has an average lifespan of 8-10 years so everyday she was alive was a major miracle. She was such a calm and dignified dog for most of her life. I actually accused her of being more cat than dog (hence her nickname, Catdog). She was funny and loyal - she would always lay by your side or by your door at night keeping guard and watching over us. She loved being outside, watching over her huge yard on sunny days, even with that black fur coat of hers absorbing all that heat. She stayed by my dad's side as he got close to dying. She was my mom's shadow when she was alone making sure she would never be "alone". Saying goodbye to Jessie - March 20, 2012. We kept her with us for the last 17 months of her l

Oy veh.....my mom always told me the worst part of getting old was watching everyone around you die. Eventually one of you is left standing and you are alone. I still wonder what she was doing the day she died. Since I didn't have the luxury of speaking to her that day, I don't know if she was feeling okay or not. I still cry now and then and I still hurt every day thinking about it. I try not to let it eat away at me like it used to. I just hope that she went quickly. She was still warm when I found her so I know it couldn't have been too long. Still, the guilt wreaks havoc in me - I wonder if there was anything I could have done differently leading up to that day. My beautiful mom was 80 when she left this world. She didn't look much over 60-ish so when I heard about Davy Jones (of the Monkees) dying last Wednesday I was so dumbstruck. He was one of my childhood crushes and I always admired him. Davy was only 66 when he suffered a massive heart attack. He was a

So today I noticed proof of my "letting go" of a lot of my anger and was I ever grateful. I even checked my blood pressure and it's down about 10 points from my norm! I did not let someone get to me at all. I'm still disappointed, even a bit sad but I did not get angry. I also realized that there are many people surrounding this person that are blind or in total denial about the situation. I am not going to apathetic about it but I'm not going to get myself all worked up about it either. Seriously, I know something has to happen - things have to change. I just realized there is a time and a place for it. I just need to be patient and do my thing. It feels good to not get all worked up over it. I am definitely in a better place today than I was a week ago. :) Oh, and Mark took me to the restaurant he proposed to me for our anniversary last night. I am never disappointed in their food! We enjoyed a great bottle of Chianti (I need to buy it again!) and the be

My hubby & our 3 pups! To my dearest husband! Time flies when you're having fun!

I love reading Scripture.  Some of my friends may or may not be religious so forgive me if this post is a bit out of your comfort zone. Per my previous post, I've been kind of stewing over something for quite some time and really letting it get to me. I hate feeling like I've lost control over my own life but that's what happens when you let someone make you feel bad or weak or stupid. It's a tough thing, really. We're only human, right? We let other people's behaviors affect us because of it. We get grumpy because someone else is. We get happy when someone around us is happy. It's a contagious thing, emotions.  I am nearing a really big milestone and I find myself shocked that I'm still going over these kinds of things. I thought I would be really smart by now and not worrying over these things. Well, I do. I care what people think of me. I let people take the power. I get grouchy. I lose my temper. I worry. I let my blood pressure skyrocket! So o

I have been really pissed off about something lately. I just want to let it go and stop carrying this anger. I know that God is there for me and I just need to give it to him. And yet I feel very alone in this. I feel like nothing is working or going my way in this situation. I have prayed about it but I'm still angry. I can't seem to use any of the visualization tricks I've been taught. I am going to try to have a serious prayer session and a long conversation with my God. I hope I can rid myself of this poison.

I've been thinking a lot about a particular subject lately. I have been trying to tactfully call people out when they do something wrong. Typically, I hate confrontation but I've been seeing a person getting away with awful behavior. I have said what needed to be said but I knew ultimately it would change nothing. When someone feels entitled, they continue to misbehave and do whatever they want. There is no consequence other than reward so nothing changes. I'm tired of it. So do I give up and walk away? Or do I continue the good fight? I want to do the right thing. I've prayed about it - and one of my biggest faults is that I'm not patient. I wonder......I guess I'll keep thinking about for a while longer.

I reached my saturation point with something/someone. Hate to be cryptic since this is where I dump all my innermost thoughts but I feel it best to just say I finally let something go that I'd been holding onto for a long time. I'm not giving up but I certainly am going to stop wasting my time and energy worrying. I will always be ready and available when the time comes but for now I am walking forward with my head held high. I'm tired of trying and trying and getting nothing but rebuttals and excuses so it's best to take care of myself and know that I did my best. The times they are a changin'. I'm feeling a shift of some kind.  I am looking forward to new adventures. Life is good.

Mark and I had a lovely evening with our dear friends, the Summers this past Sunday (Super Bowl Sunday at that!). We got to enjoy a big bowl of spaghetti (Christy really makes a mean Bolognese sauce!), salad and all that yummy garlic bread. I wish I could have enjoyed it more.... I was having a weird stomach thing Sunday (and Monday too) so while the taste was fab, the intestines were unhappy most of the night. We have long admired both Mr. & Mrs. S. for their strong faith in God. They truly walk the walk and talk the talk when it comes to this subject. Yes, they're human and they make mistakes. But the big thing that they do is truly have a relationship with God - they talk to Him and they listen to Him. I know that I talk to God all the time. But do I actually listen to the answer? Not all the time. Both Christy and Mark have their own conversations with God and then discuss with each other their needs and concerns. They work as a team (as any married couple should) and f

I'm an avid fan of true crime dramas and cop shows on TruTV channel and Discovery and HLN too. I could spend hours watching and reading this stuff. I should have gone into forensics or done profiling for the FBI. I love this! I am super sensitive to people and their behavior and I'm affected by certain behaviors too. I had an experience when I was around 11 or 12 when I met a neighbor of one of my school friends. I was there because my friend's mom and my mom were best friends. We were next door babysitting an adorable toddler girl. I was roaming around the living room and the family had lots of bookcases loaded with books. Being the avid reader that I was (and still am) I was checking out every spine and one book in particular caught my eye. Oddly enough, it was an 'eye' on the cover that I saw. It drew me to it....it was a very strange and odd feeling. It was a book on the occult and it just seemed so out of place. Granted I was young and to see any book that di

We took Mark's mom to the airport a week ago after her nearly 6 week visit with us. It is no secret that she has a tendency to make me crazy at times. Certain people in this world are here to test our patience and I will openly say that after my grandma passed on I thought I was done and had earned my merit badge. I was wrong. I've stated for the record that she really is a sweetheart and means well but has some things that cause those around her to have to call for a cleanup on aisles 5, 7 and 9. It's frustrating to deal someone, especially an elder that lacks wisdom. I don't know about you but I was raised to respect my elders, not just because they were older but because they were supposed to be learned and wise and would have lessons to teach us. Well, I know there are some great stories but the lessons learned turn out to be sad ones because she doesn't even know she is showing us so how not to behave. I guess that in and of itself is a valuable lesson. I g

Warning: a not so nice blog..... Was trying to come up with a title for this post. Just as a reminder, I always try to reference music/song lyrics or titles in my blog titles just because music is my drug of choice. It's also the air that I breathe and any other metaphor you can think of. Don't mean to make this sound so hokey but....well, you know. I've been trying to figure out why my MIL has been driving me crazy. I don't want to be lumped into the gigantic pool of people who say they 'hate' their in-laws or they 'can't stand' them, etc. This isn't the case with me. I don't hate her at all. She's a sweet lady. She does have issues that make me nuts though and I've been trying to figure out exactly what they are. Typically, you can say "this person is rude" or "this person is evil" or some other very pointed description. I finally realized there are some things I would say about her (and this is not so very n

I just glimpsed at a draft of a blog I wrote during the run of "Grey Gardens". I don't know why I didn't post it. It was a lovely tribute to a great audience - probably the night that folks who are related to the Beales (through Edie's father) came to see the show and praised me left and right. The greatest compliment they gave me was that I actually had the little things (mannerisms, vocal inflections and little facial expressions) down to a 'T'.  Wow! That was the night I felt I finally got this character right and I felt it all the way into my bones. I know it was a hard road getting to that semi-comfortable point in the show. I dragged out figuring out how to memorize so much dialogue and music. I am such a procrastinator! Now that I know how my brain likes to work (took me all these years!) it's not a difficult process other than it's time consuming. I cannot wait for another opportunity to chew up some scenery in a  drama or musical drama.

Just made it past birthday number 49. Gad zooks.... I never thought I'd even be this 'age' and the strange thing is that even though I'm not in great physical shape I still feel like I should be 30-35ish. To look at my birthdate, it really confuses me. Was I around that long ago and do I even remember life in the 60's? To tell you the truth, I barely remember being the ages of 4 through 9. Yes, I have pictures to help remind me and music is probably the biggest memory trigger of all. Still, I don't recollect much of my childhood - just smatterings here and there like broken mirror shards. Strange to feel like I've lived probably more than half my life already! Not trying to be morbid, I promise. Just looking at the average age of people and my odds say I'm more than half way done. Personally, I like my steak medium rare and in the weirdest of analogies, I definitely feel that way in my head.... now if I could just stop the body from being well done!