Luck Be A Lady

It's been 6 weeks since I lost my mom and it feels like eons ago and yet like it never happened. I'm obviously in denial still despite my brain being very conscious of it.  I had a dream last night where I was at a very fancy party at a restaurant and I looked at a table and discovered my mom sitting there. She looked awful...as if she'd been through an accident and had surgical scars all over her face.  But she was alive and talking and all the while I kept saying 'But you're dead...'.  I found the dream unsettling but I know things like this happen as our minds process what's happened. I don't remember what she said in the dream but I won't forget how scary she looked to me. I'm going to have to think about this bizarre dream. I am still not really in the holiday spirit. I feel so bad for Mark because he wants to celebrate Christmas and it's all I can do to just keep the house semi-clean. I have no motivation. I've done some shoppin

One thing I have been meaning to write about is my mom's funeral. It was small and lovely, just the way I think she would have wanted it. I only put the info in the paper and let family and friends know. I wanted it to be a mass of celebration and hope and it was. I will admit seeing my mom's ashes/urn at the church was a shock. The thought of her body being reduced to dust really got to me but Father David spoke so eloquently and gave me some sense of peace and understanding. He made my burden lighter considering it was the final 'goodbye'. The parish choir ladies and the altar society were so sweet. They were so genuine in wanting to ease our grief - I have never felt so supported by so many people. My dear friend Mary Reynolds was the pianist for the service which also made the music so much better. Many wonderful friends stood by me as I tried to just get through the day. Deacon Jim and the staff of Miller Woodlawn were also so wonderful as we held the Catholi

'Steel Magnolias' is one of my all-time favorite plays/movies (I happen to like both). This blog title is a quote from Clarèe speaking to M'Lynn when she is worrying about Shelby's pregnancy. I always think about this quote during the darkest times. I've definitely had my share of dark times this year and yet I've had some incredibly happy moments too. One of the fondest memories I have of this year is when Mark and I just left the wedding chapel in Las Vegas and were driving back to our hotel to celebrate and we called my mom to let her know we were Mr. & Mrs. Jackson. She was so happy - she was practically giddy with joy. She's watched me go through some ups and downs when it comes to love and she was so thrilled that I married Mark. She just adored him. I am facing the prospect of dealing with my first Thanksgiving and Christmas and birthday without my mom. I'm not at all happy about this. I find every sappy holiday commercial on television to

A friend of mine had this quote as her FB status and I had forgotten about this. I need to re-read this book. I already feel better knowing the genius that is A.A. Milne. :-) "Promise me you'll always remember: You're BRAVER than you believe - and STRONGER than you seem - and SMARTER than you think." Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh.

"This is my command: be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." I just read this.... I really needed it. The past few days have been odd for me. I've been waiting to get the house to myself (my mother in law was here for 18 months) and we've added my mom's dog to our pack so I have a lot of furry kids running around. Just the same, the house feels super empty and the one thing I want to go do I can't because my mom isn't here anymore. I am so frustrated that I can't see her or talk to her and get her instant reaction to things. I have so many things I want to talk about and get her opinion but I feel like my sounding board has been ripped away from me and I'm stuck talking to myself. I have a great support network around me and I know everyone is willing to be with me and let me rant and rave but it's not what I want. For the first time in my life I need my mom and she

And another day goes by.... today was semi normal. I only teared up a couple of times during the day and I was able to talk to my hair stylist about my hell-a-cious week without bawling. It was therapeutic to be able to talk to someone who is basically paid to listen to me - isn't that odd? But seriously, blabbing away to Nora was the the thing I needed today. I guess that it was also good that I went to GJ and had my hair colored and cut (my grays are coming in faster and faster - stress and grief are sure ways of increasing hair loss and gray gain!) even though I probably could have waited a few more weeks. I really needed to do something really nice for myself even though financially it has taken me down a chunk. I guess my sanity is more important than my checkbook these days. Seriously, I actually enjoyed this day which was mostly spent on my own. The sun was shining, the sky was the bluest I've seen in ages and it was warm outside. I drove and saw the incredibly majes

So..... my major distraction has finished and the real world comes back to haunt me.  Ugh.... I was in the midst of rehearsing 'The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee' right when my mom died this week. That was definitely in the big plan. Keep me occupied (and Mark too, since he was in the show) so that I would have something that was artistic and joyful to focus on while in the depths of despair. Oy veh, I will miss this show. It was such a blast getting to work with some great talent. I know I wasn't at my best vocally, emotionally or physically after what I've been through but I used whatever energy that was left in me and threw it out there during this weekend's performances. Some old friends and some new were involved. Some younger and some older. It was a great mix of people and I liked each and everyone of them.  I have enjoyed being an actor again. What a nice change from being in charge of everything to just trying to do my small part. Ensemble ac

This has been hands down the worst week of my life. Ironically, it has also been one of the best in terms of finding out how wonderful friends and family can be when I have been sinking into pretty much the depths of despair. I realized the truth of the following lyrics. I am overwhelmed by the truth of them. I was sinking deep in sin, far from the peaceful shore, Very deeply stained within, sinking to rise no more, But the Master of the sea heard my despairing cry, From the waters lifted me, now safe am I. Refrain: Love lifted me! Love lifted me! When nothing else could help, Love lifted me! There are other verses but this truly meant the most to me. I know I have friends who are either agnostic or atheist and this is in no way an attempt to tell them or sell them on my beliefs. I just want everyone to know that life is definitely hard right now but I am managing. I have a good moment, then a bad one. Then I receive a note or a comment from a friend and I rise up

Jessie is my mom's 15 year old Shar Pei. She came home with us Monday night after the funeral home took care of the icky business of taking my mom's body away. She is completely deaf and nearly blind. She woke me up around 2 AM, wandering around, running into things, trying to eat some of her leftover dinner and drink some water. How many times have I seen a TV show or a newscast showing the flashing lights of a fire truck, police car in front of a house? How many times have I watched a cop show, hospital/ER show or any of those reality shows on Court TV that I love so much taking you to the scene of the crime, the scene of a death, etc.? What they really don't show is the aftermath...the real mess that's left for the living to deal with. Granted, I am not dealing with a murder, an accident or cataclysmic event but I'm sitting here at 4:30 am, watching Jessie struggle with the loss of her pack leader/mother. She is searching for her, wondering where the hell she i

My wonderful mother was declared dead on Monday. I don't know exactly when she passed since I found her lying on the floor in her living room and was already unresponsive. I have never performed CPR 'for real' before until yesterday. I had never worked so hard in my life to try to bring someone back....but she was already gone. Deep down, I knew it but I tried and the paramedics tried for another 10-15 minutes. God bless the 911 operator who worked with me to keep me calm, the Bremerton and CK Fire departments and their paramedics. I have never seen such dedication and care given not only to the dying but to their loved ones as they sit there agonizing over the very thing they're trying to avoid.  They stayed with me while Mark rushed from the ferry to get to me and sent over their chaplain so we wouldn't be alone with my mother's body while waiting for the sheriff's department and coroner's office to release her body to the funeral home. The assistant

It's been a semi-frustrating few years when it comes to performing. I have had more fun being the big-picture director or music director so stepping back into the not-so-comfortable-acting-shoes has had it's share of aches and pains.  I had a really hard time the last time I was on stage. There were multiple reasons for that but the biggest I think was that I had not originally planned to be involved in a show as I knew it would be an insanely busy time (which it was). In my former career, August & September were the most insane and busy of the year. Directors will agree with me - I know it is so tough to NOT direct when you're on the stage. You want to be helpful and you end up being so damn observant of everyone else that you forget what you're doing. Well, not 'forget' but you stop acting/reacting out of habit. It's a really tough shift for me but I'm slowly finding that my acting shoes have some give in them and they're starting to get comf

Yee gods, I can't believe a month of performances has flown by and FAME is now over. It has been a long summer getting the show prepped, dealing with the typical issues that go on and eventually taking on the music director-ship of the show. I did not want to have any involvement as a music director after a long year of doing that plus directing two shows.  I was very wary, so sure that burnout would pervade my attitude and make me a less effective musician and band leader.  I loved the show and what I was doing with it up until that point (assisting Andy who was a first time director) and the cast was a joy to work with. Luckily, the music wasn't hard (well, it's not easy either but it was definitely doable without much practice time on my part) and I got some of the best guys in the county to play (including my wonderful husband!).  I would have loved to have had horns in the pit but it turned out having a rhythm section with two keyboards worked out just fine and I l

If you didn't catch the previous blog, crepuscule means 'twilight'. Can you imagine if Stephanie Meyer had named her book series, 'Crepuscule' instead of Twilight?  My, my.... all the teens would no longer be twi-hards but crep-heads or pus-buckets!  I keep chuckling as I think about this possibility. Beyond the silliness of this thought, I've been thinking long and hard about the 'twilight'. By that I mean, have I reached that point in my life where it's time to make some major changes? Am I stagnant here doing whatever it is I'm doing? Should I consider taking a new road and say adios to the old and welcome some new hobbies, career, etc.? As for hobbies, I love music and I love doing theatre. REALLY love it. But if it creates more drama in my life than is already there is it worth it? Ah... that is the penultimate question, my friends. Of course, it's not worth it. Especially when it creeps into the life I have with my wonderful husband

Now that I've discovered my old friend (this blog) I feel like I've come home again. I enjoy writing as much as I enjoy reading but I keep forgetting to write. Things get in the way.... Anyway, I'm in the midst of rehearsing for a musical called 'The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee' and I am playing a role I've wanted since I first heard the Broadway cast recording some years ago. I have been directing so much these past 11 years that acting began to take a backseat. I was firmly convinced that directing was where my heart was at and that acting, while fun was not the way I wanted to express myself creatively. The teacher in me always wants to help others be better, the perfectionist in me wants to put on a show the 'right' way (which is also known as 'my way', LOL). I was one of those theatre people who used to go from show to show, year after year and loved it. Even if I was in a serious relationship, this was such a part of me that my p

Gads.... I looked back at the date of my last blog and it's been 14 months. My, my.... time flies. Life has indeed changed enormously in 14 months. I quit my old job. I got engaged on the last day of employment with Mills. I started a new job in the arts. I continued to have a long term house guest during this time. Mark bought me a beautiful ring which I still love for its careful design/beauty/thoughtfulness. I struggled with things at work and couldn't put my finger on what or why since it was what I wanted for so long. The holidays came and went.... it was such a joy to buy gifts, wrap them cleverly, make the holiday turkeys, etc. I directed a wonderful Sinatra holiday show in the midst of it. While I pretty much just had to tell people where to stand and help with design while my set designer, music director and choreographer did the hard stuff I still felt enormous pride for the outcome. It was beautiful. I spent the beginning of 2010 struggling to find music directors