Memories pressed between the pages of my mind...
I still reel with pain and anguish now and then over the loss of my mom. Strange..... it's been over 2 years but it hits with such a violent force and that's the surprise. I expected the pain, really I did. But I guess I didn't expect the big, gigantic surprise hits. It happens so quickly like one of those rogue waves scientists are constantly trying to track and predict. Sometimes, they paralyze me. I honestly don't know if I can take another breath or smile or feel anything even remotely happy.
The thing is.... I know the pain will pass because it always does. But the paralysis can take more than minutes to get over. I don't mean complete physical paralysis either.... I mean the full on emotional kind that makes it impossible to do anything normal. A regular chore seems like a triathalon that you've never had time to prepare for. Just getting dressed or taking a shower can seem like climbing Mt. Everest.
Now the loss of my dad? That's a different feeling. I lost him 7 years before her. I accepted his death with much more grace - he was sick off and on for the last 10 years of his life. I felt that medical science gave me the gift of 7 extra years of his life to me so each day was a blessing no matter how scared I was of losing him. He fought tooth and nail to stay alive all the way until the last 3 days of his life. When he refused to eat (even for me) I knew we were living on borrowed time. Hell, I knew he was already leaving the party if he hadn't already. Heaven's got to be a better place than that damned hospital, even if he was leaving us behind.
Since my mom's death was sudden I don't think I've ever been able to really let go. I mean yes, I know she's gone and I know that she's got to be having a blast up there/over there dancing, listening to music, cooking, bowling, playing bingo and doing all the fun things she always loved doing. (My version of heaven includes all the things we like doing - none of that angels floating around on clouds and singing, okay?)
I wasn't the best kid to my parents. I caused them more grief and pain than I could ever admit to. But I also know they were damn proud of me for the things I did right and well.
I know that God exists. I know he does not abandon us. He loves and takes care of all of us, believers or not. That's the one thing I keep coming back to whenever I feel this searing pain that cuts through my head and my heart. When I am paralyzed by the fear I pray. Boy, do I pray hard.
Each day it gets a little easier though. Sometimes it's baby steps but at least there's progress.
The thing is.... I know the pain will pass because it always does. But the paralysis can take more than minutes to get over. I don't mean complete physical paralysis either.... I mean the full on emotional kind that makes it impossible to do anything normal. A regular chore seems like a triathalon that you've never had time to prepare for. Just getting dressed or taking a shower can seem like climbing Mt. Everest.
Now the loss of my dad? That's a different feeling. I lost him 7 years before her. I accepted his death with much more grace - he was sick off and on for the last 10 years of his life. I felt that medical science gave me the gift of 7 extra years of his life to me so each day was a blessing no matter how scared I was of losing him. He fought tooth and nail to stay alive all the way until the last 3 days of his life. When he refused to eat (even for me) I knew we were living on borrowed time. Hell, I knew he was already leaving the party if he hadn't already. Heaven's got to be a better place than that damned hospital, even if he was leaving us behind.
Since my mom's death was sudden I don't think I've ever been able to really let go. I mean yes, I know she's gone and I know that she's got to be having a blast up there/over there dancing, listening to music, cooking, bowling, playing bingo and doing all the fun things she always loved doing. (My version of heaven includes all the things we like doing - none of that angels floating around on clouds and singing, okay?)
I wasn't the best kid to my parents. I caused them more grief and pain than I could ever admit to. But I also know they were damn proud of me for the things I did right and well.
I know that God exists. I know he does not abandon us. He loves and takes care of all of us, believers or not. That's the one thing I keep coming back to whenever I feel this searing pain that cuts through my head and my heart. When I am paralyzed by the fear I pray. Boy, do I pray hard.
Each day it gets a little easier though. Sometimes it's baby steps but at least there's progress.
Comments