Agony
It's ironic that despite my getting more relaxed about mistakes and failures I still writhe in agony when I don't get cast in a role I really want. I'm not necessarily mad at the director or the person that got cast - trust me, having been a director for all these years I understand that we really do hold the fate of the world in our little hands. We end up disappointing a lot of people and make a few the happiest they've ever been.
I was flashing back to last year when I got one of my biggest dream roles as Edith/Little Edie in "Grey Gardens". I know I had my memorization issues (which I have thankfully gotten under control and can now learn quickly, even at this late state in my life!) but boy, once I had those lines down I really LOVED doing that role. I had my frustrations throughout the show of course but I still enjoyed the exquisite agony of learning to be such a tortured soul.
Did I create an enormous amount of bitterness or anger in those ladies that didn't get cast? Probably. I know how I feel when I don't get a role I truly want. Could I have said or done anything to make them feel better? Hell, no! All I could try to do was to be the best actor I could be. I think I managed to do that - although there was always room for improvement. Still, putting myself in the shoes of the rejected..... it just plain sucks.
Not too long ago, I had to deal with that rejection. Now hindsight being 20/20, not getting this role was the best thing that could have happened to me at this time in my life. Having lost now 3 pets out of 5 in the span of 8 weeks was just too damn much. Some times, being in a show has saved me from dealing with the overwhelming nature of grief (it just so happened that I was in my final weekend of a show when my dad passed and on the first day of hell week for another show when my mom died) but this time it turned out to be better for both Mark and myself to only have our normal lives to deal with. We had a cruise up to Alaska that we'd been looking forward to for 6 months and to have rehearsals and not gone or to have missed rehearsals would have been awful. I would not have given up that trip for the world. Mark and I had such a wonderful time, just the two of us and a few thousand people cruising the inside passage, LOL. Seriously, it was communing with God like I've never experienced. Alaska is truly God's country (like the PNW, but a little more extreme).
So.... back to the agony of rejection. Actually, I think this dialogue is more about my questioning choices. I read the review for the show I wasn't cast in. As I expected, two actors received stellar reviews. The others received credit for being in the show but there were no constructive criticisms nor praise for their work. A small town critic cannot be blatantly critical of what they see unless it's about the writing or the choice of play for that space or for this community. When that is criticized, then we're all safe, including the critic. They tend to be blasted by friends or family of the criticized actor, director or designer so it's best to keep one's mouth shut.
I, along with another actor friend whom I respect beyond many questioned the choices that were made. We, being among the rejected were licking our wounds initially but then our directors' brains kicked in. WTF was this person thinking? We went round and round, trying to figure out the reasoning of their choices. The two that were praised in the review castings were praised by us. The others, we scratched our heads and wondered.
Remember, you cannot get inside the director's head when it comes to this stuff. Even though I know this and constantly hear complaints about my casting choices I know in my mind and heart I'm making the best decision for the show. "It's not personal, it's business." as Tom Hanks said in "You've Got Mail". Still, it is personal in the way that I will cast a show 'right'. I won't cast a second or third choice over the best actor unless I've been given a report that this 'best' is psycho or has a reputation for being unprofessional and difficult.
Still, I question this person. Why choose the lesser? Did they honestly think this person was 'best'? I want to direct and help actors get better. I wish I had more time to do individual work with them or send them to my friends that are brilliant teachers and directors. I see a lot of mediocrity from actors that just needed some guidance and "direction" to be brilliant. Isn't that what a director is supposed to do?
Some directors think that this medium at this level (non-professional) is all about giving people chances and learning how to do this thing we call acting. I'm all for people having opportunities and learning their craft! I thrive on seeing improvement in my actors throughout rehearsals and runs of productions. That is the payoff for me. The audience reaction and praise is secondary. I want my actors to become better actors and to learn something.
Ultimately though, I want a director to be held accountable for a few things. I know that shows don't always make money and/or don't make a profit, let alone break even. That isn't the most important thing (although it is an important thing for the survival of the theatre itself). I think an actor can be brand new and be brilliant onstage. There are others though, that are slow learners or some that don't naturally have it. If they're slow, then give them a shot and let them try. If they don't succeed then make them go back into class or into a smaller role or something that gives them a chance to watch someone really good do it and they will learn! It's amazing how watching a director work with a really good actor is some of the best training I've ever had. I take that role very seriously too - if I am the director I know I have a lot of people listening and looking at me as I work with someone. If I am the actor, I know I have a lot of people listening to the director and then watching me trying to be the best actor I can be. We have to be good role models for those newbies and those not so new but wanting to be good actors.
So, I know I can't get into another director's head. I can ask them why they cast a show the way they did and if they choose to explain it to me I may still think they're wrong. Sometimes the answer is pure logistics. I couldn't cast one actor in a lead because their job created doubt in their availability. Someone else was lucky enough to get that role - and they don't know they were choice #3. I may have been choice #1 or 2...but my conflicts may have caused a problem. I don't know though - and if my choice to travel may have influenced the director to not cast me, I am okay with that.
If they thought the other actor was better than me? Well, then the proverbial gloves are off. I think I might have to throw the gauntlet down and say "WTF were you thinking?" ;-)
I was flashing back to last year when I got one of my biggest dream roles as Edith/Little Edie in "Grey Gardens". I know I had my memorization issues (which I have thankfully gotten under control and can now learn quickly, even at this late state in my life!) but boy, once I had those lines down I really LOVED doing that role. I had my frustrations throughout the show of course but I still enjoyed the exquisite agony of learning to be such a tortured soul.
Did I create an enormous amount of bitterness or anger in those ladies that didn't get cast? Probably. I know how I feel when I don't get a role I truly want. Could I have said or done anything to make them feel better? Hell, no! All I could try to do was to be the best actor I could be. I think I managed to do that - although there was always room for improvement. Still, putting myself in the shoes of the rejected..... it just plain sucks.
Not too long ago, I had to deal with that rejection. Now hindsight being 20/20, not getting this role was the best thing that could have happened to me at this time in my life. Having lost now 3 pets out of 5 in the span of 8 weeks was just too damn much. Some times, being in a show has saved me from dealing with the overwhelming nature of grief (it just so happened that I was in my final weekend of a show when my dad passed and on the first day of hell week for another show when my mom died) but this time it turned out to be better for both Mark and myself to only have our normal lives to deal with. We had a cruise up to Alaska that we'd been looking forward to for 6 months and to have rehearsals and not gone or to have missed rehearsals would have been awful. I would not have given up that trip for the world. Mark and I had such a wonderful time, just the two of us and a few thousand people cruising the inside passage, LOL. Seriously, it was communing with God like I've never experienced. Alaska is truly God's country (like the PNW, but a little more extreme).
So.... back to the agony of rejection. Actually, I think this dialogue is more about my questioning choices. I read the review for the show I wasn't cast in. As I expected, two actors received stellar reviews. The others received credit for being in the show but there were no constructive criticisms nor praise for their work. A small town critic cannot be blatantly critical of what they see unless it's about the writing or the choice of play for that space or for this community. When that is criticized, then we're all safe, including the critic. They tend to be blasted by friends or family of the criticized actor, director or designer so it's best to keep one's mouth shut.
I, along with another actor friend whom I respect beyond many questioned the choices that were made. We, being among the rejected were licking our wounds initially but then our directors' brains kicked in. WTF was this person thinking? We went round and round, trying to figure out the reasoning of their choices. The two that were praised in the review castings were praised by us. The others, we scratched our heads and wondered.
Remember, you cannot get inside the director's head when it comes to this stuff. Even though I know this and constantly hear complaints about my casting choices I know in my mind and heart I'm making the best decision for the show. "It's not personal, it's business." as Tom Hanks said in "You've Got Mail". Still, it is personal in the way that I will cast a show 'right'. I won't cast a second or third choice over the best actor unless I've been given a report that this 'best' is psycho or has a reputation for being unprofessional and difficult.
Still, I question this person. Why choose the lesser? Did they honestly think this person was 'best'? I want to direct and help actors get better. I wish I had more time to do individual work with them or send them to my friends that are brilliant teachers and directors. I see a lot of mediocrity from actors that just needed some guidance and "direction" to be brilliant. Isn't that what a director is supposed to do?
Some directors think that this medium at this level (non-professional) is all about giving people chances and learning how to do this thing we call acting. I'm all for people having opportunities and learning their craft! I thrive on seeing improvement in my actors throughout rehearsals and runs of productions. That is the payoff for me. The audience reaction and praise is secondary. I want my actors to become better actors and to learn something.
Ultimately though, I want a director to be held accountable for a few things. I know that shows don't always make money and/or don't make a profit, let alone break even. That isn't the most important thing (although it is an important thing for the survival of the theatre itself). I think an actor can be brand new and be brilliant onstage. There are others though, that are slow learners or some that don't naturally have it. If they're slow, then give them a shot and let them try. If they don't succeed then make them go back into class or into a smaller role or something that gives them a chance to watch someone really good do it and they will learn! It's amazing how watching a director work with a really good actor is some of the best training I've ever had. I take that role very seriously too - if I am the director I know I have a lot of people listening and looking at me as I work with someone. If I am the actor, I know I have a lot of people listening to the director and then watching me trying to be the best actor I can be. We have to be good role models for those newbies and those not so new but wanting to be good actors.
So, I know I can't get into another director's head. I can ask them why they cast a show the way they did and if they choose to explain it to me I may still think they're wrong. Sometimes the answer is pure logistics. I couldn't cast one actor in a lead because their job created doubt in their availability. Someone else was lucky enough to get that role - and they don't know they were choice #3. I may have been choice #1 or 2...but my conflicts may have caused a problem. I don't know though - and if my choice to travel may have influenced the director to not cast me, I am okay with that.
If they thought the other actor was better than me? Well, then the proverbial gloves are off. I think I might have to throw the gauntlet down and say "WTF were you thinking?" ;-)
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