Do or do not. There is no try.
I have been wanting to write but was a bit preoccupied by some things. Mainly, we were on death watch for Jon's mom, Chris over the past couple of weeks. She just passed away a week ago after a two year battle with a lung disease. It was so tough to know to a certain extent what he was going through. I just re-read some of my blog entries around the time my mom died. I sobbed a lot..... it still hurts.... I still get depressed and feel lost. It's 20 months later and the hurt is still as deep as it was.
Her funeral is today. Mark is going to be a pallbearer. I feel so much for Jon today. The worst day (besides the day I found my mom) was the day of her funeral/interment. I don't think I cried and felt the pain as much as I did that day. The tears I shed now as an adult seem more controlled and less frequent as when I was a teen or young adult but the pain is much deeper. It's because I really understand the logic of the loss and yet I don't understand it. Heart and head are in two different places - and you know it. Try explaining that to your breaking heart.
I am tired of feeling this kind of loss. I thought 20 months later I would feel pretty free from depression and pain. I have my moments, I really do. I even have days filled with 'happy'. But then the dark comes back and it's blacker than anything I've ever experienced. I promise I don't feel like committing suicide. I just feel the losses so profoundly. It does not help that we lost 3 of our 6 pets within 8 weeks between March and May of this year. Each pet was like a child to us and we knew it was only because we loved them so much that we grieved our loss so much. Two of them, we had euthanized to avoid any additional pain. Our other dog, Emmy passed away in my arms. We've lost a lot in 20 months. There have been other friends that have lost siblings, parents, grandparents and pets as well. It's been a tough road. I know as we age, this is the cycle we continue to deal with. But I do know with loss comes gain. For each death, there is a new birth. Life continues its cycle and so must we.
Mark and I are trying the Nutrisystem diet. We want to lose some weight and get in shape. I cannot believe how much weight I've gained in 10 years. I've added 35 lbs to my frame. I am so uncomfortable. Mark is feeling it too. So, here we are getting ready to try to learn better portion control and do more exercise. We're also looking into Eastern medicine/philosophy to see if we can get our bodies to function better. Blood flow is a big thing with acupuncture....we're going to see if this is something that will help both of us get back on track again.
One thing that sadness does for me is to bring some clarity into my life. I've been struggling with some issues that seem so petty in hindsight. I know that I can conquer weak behaviour because I have to continue to live. I don't try to get through the day. I get through the day. I may or may not sleep. I may or may not feel well. I may or may not finish my list of to-do's. But there is one thing I will always do, and that is live. I need to put the petty B.S. aside and live.
And as always, in dark times, I reach out even more for guidance from my God. I know that I am not alone even though there are times when it seems there is no light to be found. I think about Lord of the Rings and little Frodo using the Light of Elendil to find his way. God is light. I know that I've been walking in that valley filled with shadow, there is light leading me through. I do not try....I just keep walking. And I am NOT alone.
Her funeral is today. Mark is going to be a pallbearer. I feel so much for Jon today. The worst day (besides the day I found my mom) was the day of her funeral/interment. I don't think I cried and felt the pain as much as I did that day. The tears I shed now as an adult seem more controlled and less frequent as when I was a teen or young adult but the pain is much deeper. It's because I really understand the logic of the loss and yet I don't understand it. Heart and head are in two different places - and you know it. Try explaining that to your breaking heart.
I am tired of feeling this kind of loss. I thought 20 months later I would feel pretty free from depression and pain. I have my moments, I really do. I even have days filled with 'happy'. But then the dark comes back and it's blacker than anything I've ever experienced. I promise I don't feel like committing suicide. I just feel the losses so profoundly. It does not help that we lost 3 of our 6 pets within 8 weeks between March and May of this year. Each pet was like a child to us and we knew it was only because we loved them so much that we grieved our loss so much. Two of them, we had euthanized to avoid any additional pain. Our other dog, Emmy passed away in my arms. We've lost a lot in 20 months. There have been other friends that have lost siblings, parents, grandparents and pets as well. It's been a tough road. I know as we age, this is the cycle we continue to deal with. But I do know with loss comes gain. For each death, there is a new birth. Life continues its cycle and so must we.
Mark and I are trying the Nutrisystem diet. We want to lose some weight and get in shape. I cannot believe how much weight I've gained in 10 years. I've added 35 lbs to my frame. I am so uncomfortable. Mark is feeling it too. So, here we are getting ready to try to learn better portion control and do more exercise. We're also looking into Eastern medicine/philosophy to see if we can get our bodies to function better. Blood flow is a big thing with acupuncture....we're going to see if this is something that will help both of us get back on track again.
One thing that sadness does for me is to bring some clarity into my life. I've been struggling with some issues that seem so petty in hindsight. I know that I can conquer weak behaviour because I have to continue to live. I don't try to get through the day. I get through the day. I may or may not sleep. I may or may not feel well. I may or may not finish my list of to-do's. But there is one thing I will always do, and that is live. I need to put the petty B.S. aside and live.
And as always, in dark times, I reach out even more for guidance from my God. I know that I am not alone even though there are times when it seems there is no light to be found. I think about Lord of the Rings and little Frodo using the Light of Elendil to find his way. God is light. I know that I've been walking in that valley filled with shadow, there is light leading me through. I do not try....I just keep walking. And I am NOT alone.
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