Done
Such a destructive power, that little Miss Jealousy.
I have been slammed by it all weekend. Not me being jealous of others but others being jealous of me.
I'm kind of at a loss. I've been feeling a lot of loss.... and not just in my personal body weight and body fat either. It seems like people are falling by the wayside. I am not asking people to leave and they're not making any great efforts to walk away from me but they certainly are saying or doing destructive things toward me.
I really don't know what to do. Well, in once circumstance (my MIL), I have to accept that she will never change. This is the same behavior she's shown to everyone in her family all of her life, I guess. She has no friends (well, not MY definition of friend) and most of her family basically tolerates her. My husband, one of the kindest people in this world still loves and adores her and tries so hard to break through her wall. He makes headway and then with a snap that wall is magically built back up and she's acting stupid, saying something inappropriate, lying, or causing a drama.
It's a damn shame. I have made no secret that she drives me insane but this little tidbit of info about her feelings toward me really shook me to my core. I have done nothing to bring this about and I can do nothing about it. She resents me because my darling husband loves me. Yeesh. She will not change. So....it means I have to accept her exactly as she is and love her as is. I will be truthful. I resent it. I resent the fact that my mother is dead and my father is dead and I can't talk to them and get their sage advice. Yeah, even at 50, I want my parents' advice. I want to be able to laugh with my mom and roll our respective eyes when talking about this very subject one more time. And I CAN'T. I am so frustrated at times about this....even though I know deep down my folks are where they deserve to be. They did their time on this earth and are reaping all their great rewards and enjoying their time in heaven. I still liken heaven to a kind of 'material' place, where all your former pets hang out with you and you do the very thing that brought you great joy. For my dad, that would be catching the elusive 40 lb salmon. :-) Our German Shepherds (both named Queenie) would be with him....enjoying catching sticks and pebbles in the shallow waters.
My mom would be playing bingo and WINNING. She'd be cooking up a storm and serving all her yummy pies and cakes. She'd be followed by their Shar Pei, Jessie. She'd be laying close by, chewing on her rawhide and loving life.
Seriously, the idea of witnessing that brings me great joy. I miss them terribly right now. I feel so alone without them.
The other heartbreaking issue I'm facing is more deeply personal. It relates to someone I thought was a friend, even if they were more on the periphery of friendship They've been saying horrible things about me. I'm just broken....so tired....so tired of it all. I know I'm not perfect and I've made some mistakes in life but I'm not that bad. I've tried to do the right thing and even when I made a poor decision I have owned up to it. And then fixed it. And then moved on. Some people won't let go. And then choose to be destructive towards others.
Whatever happened to mercy? I am trying so hard to show mercy. My heart and soul have been stomped on so much over the past few years and I'm so tired. I just don't want to do certain things or be in certain places anymore. I'm saddened that things that I used to love to do....serving my greater community is met with hostility and jealousy and rudeness. I am at the point where I need to protect myself and walk away. I never thought I would be doing this but it's the choice I have to make for my sanity and my happiness. I will show mercy by not saying anything vindictive, mean and unprofessional towards this person. I will smile and nod. I will not be offering my hand, my help or my money. I am done.
Kind of like a bad break up.... I started quoting break up songs when talking to Mark about this. So... in the words of The Band Perry, "All I want to be is DONE."
And I am..... but choose to remain positive that there is some good in this world. If Anne Frank could say those words in her situation, who am I to argue, right?
I have been slammed by it all weekend. Not me being jealous of others but others being jealous of me.
I'm kind of at a loss. I've been feeling a lot of loss.... and not just in my personal body weight and body fat either. It seems like people are falling by the wayside. I am not asking people to leave and they're not making any great efforts to walk away from me but they certainly are saying or doing destructive things toward me.
I really don't know what to do. Well, in once circumstance (my MIL), I have to accept that she will never change. This is the same behavior she's shown to everyone in her family all of her life, I guess. She has no friends (well, not MY definition of friend) and most of her family basically tolerates her. My husband, one of the kindest people in this world still loves and adores her and tries so hard to break through her wall. He makes headway and then with a snap that wall is magically built back up and she's acting stupid, saying something inappropriate, lying, or causing a drama.
It's a damn shame. I have made no secret that she drives me insane but this little tidbit of info about her feelings toward me really shook me to my core. I have done nothing to bring this about and I can do nothing about it. She resents me because my darling husband loves me. Yeesh. She will not change. So....it means I have to accept her exactly as she is and love her as is. I will be truthful. I resent it. I resent the fact that my mother is dead and my father is dead and I can't talk to them and get their sage advice. Yeah, even at 50, I want my parents' advice. I want to be able to laugh with my mom and roll our respective eyes when talking about this very subject one more time. And I CAN'T. I am so frustrated at times about this....even though I know deep down my folks are where they deserve to be. They did their time on this earth and are reaping all their great rewards and enjoying their time in heaven. I still liken heaven to a kind of 'material' place, where all your former pets hang out with you and you do the very thing that brought you great joy. For my dad, that would be catching the elusive 40 lb salmon. :-) Our German Shepherds (both named Queenie) would be with him....enjoying catching sticks and pebbles in the shallow waters.
My mom would be playing bingo and WINNING. She'd be cooking up a storm and serving all her yummy pies and cakes. She'd be followed by their Shar Pei, Jessie. She'd be laying close by, chewing on her rawhide and loving life.
Seriously, the idea of witnessing that brings me great joy. I miss them terribly right now. I feel so alone without them.
The other heartbreaking issue I'm facing is more deeply personal. It relates to someone I thought was a friend, even if they were more on the periphery of friendship They've been saying horrible things about me. I'm just broken....so tired....so tired of it all. I know I'm not perfect and I've made some mistakes in life but I'm not that bad. I've tried to do the right thing and even when I made a poor decision I have owned up to it. And then fixed it. And then moved on. Some people won't let go. And then choose to be destructive towards others.
Whatever happened to mercy? I am trying so hard to show mercy. My heart and soul have been stomped on so much over the past few years and I'm so tired. I just don't want to do certain things or be in certain places anymore. I'm saddened that things that I used to love to do....serving my greater community is met with hostility and jealousy and rudeness. I am at the point where I need to protect myself and walk away. I never thought I would be doing this but it's the choice I have to make for my sanity and my happiness. I will show mercy by not saying anything vindictive, mean and unprofessional towards this person. I will smile and nod. I will not be offering my hand, my help or my money. I am done.
Kind of like a bad break up.... I started quoting break up songs when talking to Mark about this. So... in the words of The Band Perry, "All I want to be is DONE."
And I am..... but choose to remain positive that there is some good in this world. If Anne Frank could say those words in her situation, who am I to argue, right?
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