Happy Anniversary (NOT)
We are a weird sort....we humans.
We celebrate birthdays, holidays (religious and Hallmark), graduations, retirements, weddings, anniversaries. The obvious thing is that it's beginnings and endings. We celebrate the beginning of life. We celebrate the end of school, the end of a career. We certainly don't 'celebrate' death..... well, actually I guess a wake could be considered a celebration of one's passing. Some people do choose to celebrate the end of a marriage too. ;-)
Yet we remember those very important dates when something or someone ends. The date we lose someone really important or an institution like marriage. Actually.... the true date of my divorce of my first marriage (which I know was in October) escapes me because it was a long time ago. Not that it wasn't traumatic or unimportant because it was. It's just I've moved on (as has my ex) so that date doesn't hold a grip over me.
The death of a loved one (related or not) is always the benchmark though, isn't it? That's the date you rarely forget. I have such weird memories of the day people have passed. One oddly consistent thing that I remember (and this is very odd because I live in the Pacific Northwest) is that it is sunny outside. I don't mean a nice day. I mean it's REALLY sunny out. It can be cold or warm but the sun is shining. Granted, there's a passing or two where that general rule seems to have been broken but I have noticed this particular thing in my life. It is beyond brilliant - it's almost like the sun wants to burn my eyes out and I have to turn away. When I finally can see again, I notice things are almost in slow motion. Or maybe it's me that's in slow motion and everyone else is going at breakneck speed. Whatever it is, the world keeps moving and time keeps marching ever forward while we (or I in this case) feel like life is a big ocean of jello and I can't move very well. Every step, every breath, every gesture takes so much effort and nothing I can do or say will get me to move any faster.
It's an interesting thing..... life never seems to slow down and yet in those moments we do. I have the most bizarre experiences while I'm in shock and grieving. But then time moves us forward (well, at least most of us do) and the next thing you know a month has gone by. Then a year, then two and then all of a sudden it's 11 years.
Today is the 11th anniversary of the passing of one of the most important people in my life. I'm 51 so my dad died when I was 40. Eleven years ago, I was feeling like an abandoned 10 year old and literally didn't know what to do. It was such a horrible time, I won't lie. But as we all know, time really does soften the blow a bit. The loss and pain never, ever goes away but it does stop grabbing you by the throat and shocking you. You don't get the sudden heart palpitations or other assorted body pains that can accompany horrifying grief, thank goodness. That stuff does go away, I promise.
What is the surprise though? The fact that you don't think about them constantly. You will have hours or maybe a day or two where you don't really think about them. They're there in your conscience, of course but you're not obsessing. You will have a moment though where something you see or hear or smell will take you back faster than lightening back to the pain though. Sometimes, those little moments are awful. What eventually happens though is you'll see/hear/smell something and then you'll say "Dad would have loved this." or "Mom would laugh so much at this!", etc., etc. Then you get a little melancholy (sometimes to the point of tears) and you really, really miss them. And then..... life and time puts you back on the bus and you let it go and you get back to the present.
Mark and I took a drive on Bainbridge Island this past Sunday and we stopped at an old cemetery we like. I know that sounds macabre but it's so historical and somewhat unique in terms of cemeteries plus it's really peaceful. We always check out the old markers, see the names of pioneer families that settled the island back in the 1800's and stand in awe of the fact that these people lived and thrived more than 150 years ago. Their markers are still standing, some in dire need of repair but standing nonetheless. It's so strange to think we will all be one of those markers one day and someone will check them out and say "that was so long ago" just like we say now of our ancestors.
So if someone checks out my dad's marker at our local cemetery, it is only 11 years ago that he was laid to rest there. Eleven years doesn't seem like much, does it? Honestly, it seems like an eternity to me......because I miss him so much. I had an experience this week that was less than enjoyable and I would have liked to have talked to him about it. He would have given me great advice, I know. I'm lucky I've got a very intelligent and loving husband who has been my rock and also gives sage advice so I'm not lacking for answers. I just would have loved to have heard his take on this. I probably would have thought "of course, why didn't I think of that?"
Happy anniversary, Daddy. It was a happy day for you because you got to meet your Lord and Savior face to face. I know you were filled with joy that day. Even though my heart is now feeling that familiar angst and I'm feeling a little short of breath and have a few tears in my eyes as I type this I know that you are HAPPY. And if you are happy, then I'll try to be happy too. After all, it's YOUR anniversary. :-)
We celebrate birthdays, holidays (religious and Hallmark), graduations, retirements, weddings, anniversaries. The obvious thing is that it's beginnings and endings. We celebrate the beginning of life. We celebrate the end of school, the end of a career. We certainly don't 'celebrate' death..... well, actually I guess a wake could be considered a celebration of one's passing. Some people do choose to celebrate the end of a marriage too. ;-)
Yet we remember those very important dates when something or someone ends. The date we lose someone really important or an institution like marriage. Actually.... the true date of my divorce of my first marriage (which I know was in October) escapes me because it was a long time ago. Not that it wasn't traumatic or unimportant because it was. It's just I've moved on (as has my ex) so that date doesn't hold a grip over me.
The death of a loved one (related or not) is always the benchmark though, isn't it? That's the date you rarely forget. I have such weird memories of the day people have passed. One oddly consistent thing that I remember (and this is very odd because I live in the Pacific Northwest) is that it is sunny outside. I don't mean a nice day. I mean it's REALLY sunny out. It can be cold or warm but the sun is shining. Granted, there's a passing or two where that general rule seems to have been broken but I have noticed this particular thing in my life. It is beyond brilliant - it's almost like the sun wants to burn my eyes out and I have to turn away. When I finally can see again, I notice things are almost in slow motion. Or maybe it's me that's in slow motion and everyone else is going at breakneck speed. Whatever it is, the world keeps moving and time keeps marching ever forward while we (or I in this case) feel like life is a big ocean of jello and I can't move very well. Every step, every breath, every gesture takes so much effort and nothing I can do or say will get me to move any faster.
It's an interesting thing..... life never seems to slow down and yet in those moments we do. I have the most bizarre experiences while I'm in shock and grieving. But then time moves us forward (well, at least most of us do) and the next thing you know a month has gone by. Then a year, then two and then all of a sudden it's 11 years.
Today is the 11th anniversary of the passing of one of the most important people in my life. I'm 51 so my dad died when I was 40. Eleven years ago, I was feeling like an abandoned 10 year old and literally didn't know what to do. It was such a horrible time, I won't lie. But as we all know, time really does soften the blow a bit. The loss and pain never, ever goes away but it does stop grabbing you by the throat and shocking you. You don't get the sudden heart palpitations or other assorted body pains that can accompany horrifying grief, thank goodness. That stuff does go away, I promise.
What is the surprise though? The fact that you don't think about them constantly. You will have hours or maybe a day or two where you don't really think about them. They're there in your conscience, of course but you're not obsessing. You will have a moment though where something you see or hear or smell will take you back faster than lightening back to the pain though. Sometimes, those little moments are awful. What eventually happens though is you'll see/hear/smell something and then you'll say "Dad would have loved this." or "Mom would laugh so much at this!", etc., etc. Then you get a little melancholy (sometimes to the point of tears) and you really, really miss them. And then..... life and time puts you back on the bus and you let it go and you get back to the present.
Mark and I took a drive on Bainbridge Island this past Sunday and we stopped at an old cemetery we like. I know that sounds macabre but it's so historical and somewhat unique in terms of cemeteries plus it's really peaceful. We always check out the old markers, see the names of pioneer families that settled the island back in the 1800's and stand in awe of the fact that these people lived and thrived more than 150 years ago. Their markers are still standing, some in dire need of repair but standing nonetheless. It's so strange to think we will all be one of those markers one day and someone will check them out and say "that was so long ago" just like we say now of our ancestors.
So if someone checks out my dad's marker at our local cemetery, it is only 11 years ago that he was laid to rest there. Eleven years doesn't seem like much, does it? Honestly, it seems like an eternity to me......because I miss him so much. I had an experience this week that was less than enjoyable and I would have liked to have talked to him about it. He would have given me great advice, I know. I'm lucky I've got a very intelligent and loving husband who has been my rock and also gives sage advice so I'm not lacking for answers. I just would have loved to have heard his take on this. I probably would have thought "of course, why didn't I think of that?"
Happy anniversary, Daddy. It was a happy day for you because you got to meet your Lord and Savior face to face. I know you were filled with joy that day. Even though my heart is now feeling that familiar angst and I'm feeling a little short of breath and have a few tears in my eyes as I type this I know that you are HAPPY. And if you are happy, then I'll try to be happy too. After all, it's YOUR anniversary. :-)
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