make my way back home when I learn to fly
I'm tired..... so I'm feeling somewhat emotional.
I was looking at some pictures on someone's facebook account and it hit me in a deeply personal place. I really don't want to get into it but it makes me regret a lot of things I've done in my past. I can't take back my actions and I pay for them on a daily basis. It hurts.... I have prayed for some forgiveness in the past but I think I kind of put it into a dark corner of my mind and have tried to ignore it.
Unfortunately, every now and then things come creeping back and remind me that they're still there and I'm still here with them. Right now, I just feel like crap, plain and simple. I won't mention any of this on myspace or facebook since everyone (including kids) reads my stuff over there. I'll just keep this dark and dreary stuff over here and put it out there on virtual paper and hope that writing this out makes me feel better.
These are the times I wish my dad were still here. He was the one person I could just spill my guts to when I couldn't stand the pain, the guilt, and any of the other garbage I seem to put myself through. We were cut from the same cloth and while we both seemed to have a lot of thick armor and were pretty strong we both had our hearts right there at the surface.... they're just barely hidden. He just knew how I felt without me saying anything. We could just sit there and empathize with each other. He knew I felt his pain, both physical and emotional. He knew even if I hadn't lost a limb that I could understand the frustration because I basically was him. I knew he could understand how driven I have always been to do the best, to be the best and when I wasn't how much I could hate myself and beat myself up. He just understood me and loved me despite it all.
God, I miss him. I know he's 'with' me but I just wish I could have one more day on this earth together. I was already 40 when he died but I still feel like he was ripped away from me before I was ready. How do kids deal with this kind of loss? My God! I was an full grown adult and I still deal with it daily, weekly and occasionally, like tonight on a minute by minute basis. I don't feel the same intensity of pain I felt that night almost 6 years ago when I lost him. But it still hurts.
I've been listening to a lot of Johnny Cash music lately. He was a favorite of my dad's. They actually looked a lot alike as they both grew older (oddly enough). I have really taken to the last group of recordings he did with Rick Rubin. It's ironic that his newest music really makes me feel like my dad is there with me. I cry a lot when I listen to it. I don't really let anyone know this....but I actually do feel about as close to my dad as possible when I hear this music.
Okay, I feel better now. I still miss him. But I feel better.
I was looking at some pictures on someone's facebook account and it hit me in a deeply personal place. I really don't want to get into it but it makes me regret a lot of things I've done in my past. I can't take back my actions and I pay for them on a daily basis. It hurts.... I have prayed for some forgiveness in the past but I think I kind of put it into a dark corner of my mind and have tried to ignore it.
Unfortunately, every now and then things come creeping back and remind me that they're still there and I'm still here with them. Right now, I just feel like crap, plain and simple. I won't mention any of this on myspace or facebook since everyone (including kids) reads my stuff over there. I'll just keep this dark and dreary stuff over here and put it out there on virtual paper and hope that writing this out makes me feel better.
These are the times I wish my dad were still here. He was the one person I could just spill my guts to when I couldn't stand the pain, the guilt, and any of the other garbage I seem to put myself through. We were cut from the same cloth and while we both seemed to have a lot of thick armor and were pretty strong we both had our hearts right there at the surface.... they're just barely hidden. He just knew how I felt without me saying anything. We could just sit there and empathize with each other. He knew I felt his pain, both physical and emotional. He knew even if I hadn't lost a limb that I could understand the frustration because I basically was him. I knew he could understand how driven I have always been to do the best, to be the best and when I wasn't how much I could hate myself and beat myself up. He just understood me and loved me despite it all.
God, I miss him. I know he's 'with' me but I just wish I could have one more day on this earth together. I was already 40 when he died but I still feel like he was ripped away from me before I was ready. How do kids deal with this kind of loss? My God! I was an full grown adult and I still deal with it daily, weekly and occasionally, like tonight on a minute by minute basis. I don't feel the same intensity of pain I felt that night almost 6 years ago when I lost him. But it still hurts.
I've been listening to a lot of Johnny Cash music lately. He was a favorite of my dad's. They actually looked a lot alike as they both grew older (oddly enough). I have really taken to the last group of recordings he did with Rick Rubin. It's ironic that his newest music really makes me feel like my dad is there with me. I cry a lot when I listen to it. I don't really let anyone know this....but I actually do feel about as close to my dad as possible when I hear this music.
Okay, I feel better now. I still miss him. But I feel better.
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