a good hair day
And another day goes by.... today was semi normal. I only teared up a couple of times during the day and I was able to talk to my hair stylist about my hell-a-cious week without bawling. It was therapeutic to be able to talk to someone who is basically paid to listen to me - isn't that odd? But seriously, blabbing away to Nora was the the thing I needed today.
I guess that it was also good that I went to GJ and had my hair colored and cut (my grays are coming in faster and faster - stress and grief are sure ways of increasing hair loss and gray gain!) even though I probably could have waited a few more weeks. I really needed to do something really nice for myself even though financially it has taken me down a chunk. I guess my sanity is more important than my checkbook these days.
Seriously, I actually enjoyed this day which was mostly spent on my own. The sun was shining, the sky was the bluest I've seen in ages and it was warm outside. I drove and saw the incredibly majestic Mount Rainier and it took my breath away. It was almost as if it were heaven on earth. I can't imagine heaven being much prettier than it was today.
I did some of the sad things today like canceling and closing down accounts and things that my mom had. The bizarre thing was whenever I called a company every customer service agent was a guy and they were named Jim or James. That's my dad's name. In a weird way, it felt like my dad was telling me that I'm not alone in this and that he's actually sitting/walking next to me wherever I go. I was calm. I was able to say things without breaking down and I was strong. That's my dad.... boy, do I miss him too.
I can't feel my mom's presence just yet.... I think the shock of it has yet to really hit me even though I actually saw her lifeless body and spent the longest 10 minutes of my life trying to bring her back. It was her and yet it wasn't her since her soul had already left this earth so a part of me is still in denial. Strange how my mind and my heart is working these days. I know she's gone... but I still feel like she's a phone call away.
I'm tearing up again... it was bound to happen. I'm tired and at my most vulnerable. I know that I'm not truly alone but these are the moments when I really feel alone. No one can truly know how I'm feeling right here, right now. Each person has their own story and mine may be similar to yours but it's still mine. It's unique in its own way so my grief is not your grief. I'm a female. I'm in my 40's. I'm half-Japanese. I'm an only child. My father was already gone. It was just me and my mom for 7 years. Those are only a handful of specifics that blend into my own individual story.
I miss her. I miss her a lot. My heart aches terribly. My head is filled with too many thoughts. I wish I could have peace. I wish I could sleep better. I wish I would stop getting sick. I do know that I do have many things to be grateful for though. I have a wonderful husband. I have wonderful friends who are like family. I have a great network of support all around me. I have the most wonderful dogs.
It was a stunningly beautiful day today. And it was a good hair day.
I guess that it was also good that I went to GJ and had my hair colored and cut (my grays are coming in faster and faster - stress and grief are sure ways of increasing hair loss and gray gain!) even though I probably could have waited a few more weeks. I really needed to do something really nice for myself even though financially it has taken me down a chunk. I guess my sanity is more important than my checkbook these days.
Seriously, I actually enjoyed this day which was mostly spent on my own. The sun was shining, the sky was the bluest I've seen in ages and it was warm outside. I drove and saw the incredibly majestic Mount Rainier and it took my breath away. It was almost as if it were heaven on earth. I can't imagine heaven being much prettier than it was today.
I did some of the sad things today like canceling and closing down accounts and things that my mom had. The bizarre thing was whenever I called a company every customer service agent was a guy and they were named Jim or James. That's my dad's name. In a weird way, it felt like my dad was telling me that I'm not alone in this and that he's actually sitting/walking next to me wherever I go. I was calm. I was able to say things without breaking down and I was strong. That's my dad.... boy, do I miss him too.
I can't feel my mom's presence just yet.... I think the shock of it has yet to really hit me even though I actually saw her lifeless body and spent the longest 10 minutes of my life trying to bring her back. It was her and yet it wasn't her since her soul had already left this earth so a part of me is still in denial. Strange how my mind and my heart is working these days. I know she's gone... but I still feel like she's a phone call away.
I'm tearing up again... it was bound to happen. I'm tired and at my most vulnerable. I know that I'm not truly alone but these are the moments when I really feel alone. No one can truly know how I'm feeling right here, right now. Each person has their own story and mine may be similar to yours but it's still mine. It's unique in its own way so my grief is not your grief. I'm a female. I'm in my 40's. I'm half-Japanese. I'm an only child. My father was already gone. It was just me and my mom for 7 years. Those are only a handful of specifics that blend into my own individual story.
I miss her. I miss her a lot. My heart aches terribly. My head is filled with too many thoughts. I wish I could have peace. I wish I could sleep better. I wish I would stop getting sick. I do know that I do have many things to be grateful for though. I have a wonderful husband. I have wonderful friends who are like family. I have a great network of support all around me. I have the most wonderful dogs.
It was a stunningly beautiful day today. And it was a good hair day.
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