Mother's Day and other Hallmark holidays
We're approaching a 'Hallmark' holiday and it still kills me. The sting is a little less biting but it still hurts. Mother's Day and Father's Day just about do me in. It took a long time for the regular holidays to stop being so painful but these two days seem to slice my heart up and serve it on a platter every time.
My dad's been gone for almost 11 years. He died the Friday after Mother's Day so I have a funny memory of him on that last Mother's day. That's a great gift. But despite the smiles I display when I think about that day, I still get tears in my eyes because I remember I had 5 more days after that and then he was gone. Each day, he got progressively worse and the last 2 days of his life he was basically in a coma. Those 2 days were painful and filled with lots of tears as I talked to him but he didn't have the energy to speak or even open his eyes or to squeeze my hand back. I said my goodbyes and said how much I loved him and told him it was okay to go and that I would take care of my mom for him.
Then he was gone....just like that. The pain is pretty much rippling through my body again as I write this. It's not overwhelming by any means.... it's a quieter, gentler ache now. I am grateful that I am not in agonizing physical pain like I was those first few weeks. I remember that well - I don't even know how I could breathe sometimes.
And my mom.... my rock and my savior. I think it hurts even more to not have her here because I feel like I let her down. There is some unfinished business in my head and heart. She was ripped away from us without any notice so I never got that chance to say some important things. I have a lot of regrets in how I handled our relationship after my dad left us. I know there's nothing I can do about the past other than to let it go but I just wish I could have done a few things differently.
I know things happened the way were supposed to. I know my mom went out of this world the way God wanted her to and that she was taken care of the second she left us. I know she is truly happy and in a wonderful place and that she watches us and makes sure we're okay. I see a certain butterfly in the spring time and I know it's her way of reminding me that she's with me and that everything is going to be okay. I'm stressing out over a couple of things (still looking for a full-time job and not having any luck) and wish I could just bend her ear and get her advice and support but the best I can do is just to write it down and pray.
I miss her cooking. I miss the baseball games we'd watch. I miss hearing her laugh. I miss her yelling at Judge Judy on TV. I miss her stories. I just wish I had taken more time to be with my mom. It's been 3 1/2 years which feels like yesterday and yet like an eternity ago. Funny how time works that way.
I really, really miss her. A lot.......
My dad's been gone for almost 11 years. He died the Friday after Mother's Day so I have a funny memory of him on that last Mother's day. That's a great gift. But despite the smiles I display when I think about that day, I still get tears in my eyes because I remember I had 5 more days after that and then he was gone. Each day, he got progressively worse and the last 2 days of his life he was basically in a coma. Those 2 days were painful and filled with lots of tears as I talked to him but he didn't have the energy to speak or even open his eyes or to squeeze my hand back. I said my goodbyes and said how much I loved him and told him it was okay to go and that I would take care of my mom for him.
Then he was gone....just like that. The pain is pretty much rippling through my body again as I write this. It's not overwhelming by any means.... it's a quieter, gentler ache now. I am grateful that I am not in agonizing physical pain like I was those first few weeks. I remember that well - I don't even know how I could breathe sometimes.
And my mom.... my rock and my savior. I think it hurts even more to not have her here because I feel like I let her down. There is some unfinished business in my head and heart. She was ripped away from us without any notice so I never got that chance to say some important things. I have a lot of regrets in how I handled our relationship after my dad left us. I know there's nothing I can do about the past other than to let it go but I just wish I could have done a few things differently.
I know things happened the way were supposed to. I know my mom went out of this world the way God wanted her to and that she was taken care of the second she left us. I know she is truly happy and in a wonderful place and that she watches us and makes sure we're okay. I see a certain butterfly in the spring time and I know it's her way of reminding me that she's with me and that everything is going to be okay. I'm stressing out over a couple of things (still looking for a full-time job and not having any luck) and wish I could just bend her ear and get her advice and support but the best I can do is just to write it down and pray.
I miss her cooking. I miss the baseball games we'd watch. I miss hearing her laugh. I miss her yelling at Judge Judy on TV. I miss her stories. I just wish I had taken more time to be with my mom. It's been 3 1/2 years which feels like yesterday and yet like an eternity ago. Funny how time works that way.
I really, really miss her. A lot.......
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