Doubting Thomas
"Be
strong & courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for
the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” -Joshua 1:9
I just finished the second weekend of "Master Class", my current show at the Jewel Box Theatre. I have never done a show like this before. I have never had a line load this huge or intense. I have never experienced a show where I am not only onstage the entire time but always talking. Yes, I've done shows where the team of actors were always onstage but this time if someone is talking, it's me. My fellow actors can't help me. I have a lot of monologues, lectures and speeches. I talk to the audience constantly.
I never, ever thought I could do it. Seriously. I had nightmares about this show that were so bad I actually wanted to get deathly ill so that I wouldn't have to go on. I literally got no more than 2 hours a night the last 10 days of rehearsal because I was practically paralyzed with fear. I truly thought I was incapable of this epic role. I've never had issues learning monologues before, typically I can get those down before the rest of my script but this time, it's monologue after monologue after monologue. Maria (Callas, the lead character in Master Class) never shuts up. It's insane.
I still rely on my note cards (luckily Maria uses them in the show) for hints as to what comes up next. I use music books to follow the singers while they sing their Italian arias. I don't need to have that truly memorized thank goodness but my goal this week is to get even more off the cards and to have most of the Italian memorized so I only need to glance at the music occasionally. I have 2 more weeks of performances so I'd like to try to get it completely in my head so it's more natural and spontaneous.
I am so grateful to my God for giving me this chance to do something so hard that I never thought I could do. I truly rode on his coattails going into our first performance because I honestly didn't think I could pull this role off. I kept thinking to myself that if I'd been given 4-6 months with the script I could have done better but knowing me as well as I do, the creeping doubt would have led to procrastination (something I'm really good at) and I still would have had issues with the dialogue.
I don't think I've ever been so thankful and so aware of God's grace. I should have known he wouldn't let me fail. Especially since this was a challenge I had always wanted to attempt. Maybe 'fail' isn't the right word. I guess all I'm trying to say is that I would do my best and it wouldn't necessarily be perfect, but it would be my best effort for that moment in time. And because it's live theatre, I would be given the opportunity to do the show again 11 more times after that preview. The beauty of theatre is that chance to do it again and to get try to get it right.
I told my best friend that I might not want to get onstage again after this. Of course, this was the 'me' talking before opening night. I was terrified, completely scared out of my mind. Having accomplished something so huge like this, I realize that I would do it again. But hopefully this time I would grab onto my faith, my belief system, my rock (i.e., God) and thank Him for the opportunity and to ask for His continued grace and to look with favor upon me as I attempt something so difficult.
Fear can be a huge motivator. It definitely makes me jump like there's a 5 alarm fire going and I need to move. But it also can be so stressful and exhausting - and I have enough grey hairs from all the stress it causes! I will continue to remind myself to be "strong and courageous", to remember that I should "not be afraid or discouraged" because God will truly "be with me wherever I go."
I just finished the second weekend of "Master Class", my current show at the Jewel Box Theatre. I have never done a show like this before. I have never had a line load this huge or intense. I have never experienced a show where I am not only onstage the entire time but always talking. Yes, I've done shows where the team of actors were always onstage but this time if someone is talking, it's me. My fellow actors can't help me. I have a lot of monologues, lectures and speeches. I talk to the audience constantly.
I never, ever thought I could do it. Seriously. I had nightmares about this show that were so bad I actually wanted to get deathly ill so that I wouldn't have to go on. I literally got no more than 2 hours a night the last 10 days of rehearsal because I was practically paralyzed with fear. I truly thought I was incapable of this epic role. I've never had issues learning monologues before, typically I can get those down before the rest of my script but this time, it's monologue after monologue after monologue. Maria (Callas, the lead character in Master Class) never shuts up. It's insane.
I still rely on my note cards (luckily Maria uses them in the show) for hints as to what comes up next. I use music books to follow the singers while they sing their Italian arias. I don't need to have that truly memorized thank goodness but my goal this week is to get even more off the cards and to have most of the Italian memorized so I only need to glance at the music occasionally. I have 2 more weeks of performances so I'd like to try to get it completely in my head so it's more natural and spontaneous.
I am so grateful to my God for giving me this chance to do something so hard that I never thought I could do. I truly rode on his coattails going into our first performance because I honestly didn't think I could pull this role off. I kept thinking to myself that if I'd been given 4-6 months with the script I could have done better but knowing me as well as I do, the creeping doubt would have led to procrastination (something I'm really good at) and I still would have had issues with the dialogue.
I don't think I've ever been so thankful and so aware of God's grace. I should have known he wouldn't let me fail. Especially since this was a challenge I had always wanted to attempt. Maybe 'fail' isn't the right word. I guess all I'm trying to say is that I would do my best and it wouldn't necessarily be perfect, but it would be my best effort for that moment in time. And because it's live theatre, I would be given the opportunity to do the show again 11 more times after that preview. The beauty of theatre is that chance to do it again and to get try to get it right.
I told my best friend that I might not want to get onstage again after this. Of course, this was the 'me' talking before opening night. I was terrified, completely scared out of my mind. Having accomplished something so huge like this, I realize that I would do it again. But hopefully this time I would grab onto my faith, my belief system, my rock (i.e., God) and thank Him for the opportunity and to ask for His continued grace and to look with favor upon me as I attempt something so difficult.
Fear can be a huge motivator. It definitely makes me jump like there's a 5 alarm fire going and I need to move. But it also can be so stressful and exhausting - and I have enough grey hairs from all the stress it causes! I will continue to remind myself to be "strong and courageous", to remember that I should "not be afraid or discouraged" because God will truly "be with me wherever I go."
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