Holiday blahs

It's been 6 weeks since I lost my mom and it feels like eons ago and yet like it never happened. I'm obviously in denial still despite my brain being very conscious of it.  I had a dream last night where I was at a very fancy party at a restaurant and I looked at a table and discovered my mom sitting there. She looked awful...as if she'd been through an accident and had surgical scars all over her face.  But she was alive and talking and all the while I kept saying 'But you're dead...'. 

I found the dream unsettling but I know things like this happen as our minds process what's happened. I don't remember what she said in the dream but I won't forget how scary she looked to me. I'm going to have to think about this bizarre dream.

I am still not really in the holiday spirit. I feel so bad for Mark because he wants to celebrate Christmas and it's all I can do to just keep the house semi-clean. I have no motivation. I've done some shopping but it's all I can do to really get out there and shop.  Mark wants to decorate this weekend and I hope I'll have some Christmas spirit to dig out so I can at least make our first holiday as a married couple a little more special.

I can't believe my birthday is coming up either. Mark mentioned splurging on me despite our watching our pennies since I'm not working. Where does the year go?  I cannot believe we're almost to 2011. I'm shaking my head in disbelief. It's weird though, because I feel so unmotivated I almost don't care. Boo - this is so not like me. I don't like feeling this way.

Sigh..... I know I'll get through this depression eventually.  I just have to take one day at a time.