Luck Be A Lady

A theatre friend of mine reminded me of the poem "Rainbow Bridge". I guess it's not so much a poem as it is a story. It helps me to know that Emmy Lou is home again. I know she feels content and happy and is patiently waiting for Mark, me and the rest of the pack to arrive in our own time. I still miss her so much.... and yes, I'm tearing up again but it's okay.  I just miss the simple things like seeing her waiting for me at the front door or patiently watching me cook dinner. Hearing her little nails click on the linoleum or hearing her little breathing noises as she slept are some of the things I miss the most. My heart hurts but it will get easier with each passing day. Here's "Rainbow Bridge" for those of you that don't know it: Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our specia...

Well, lightening does strike twice I guess. We lost our beloved Emmy Lou yesterday afternoon. It happened quickly. She was home with us and she went from starting to eat and wanting to be with me enough that she walked from her bed to the bathroom door one evening to complete lethargy and losing control of her bodily functions yesterday afternoon and passing in a matter of minutes. Emmy 2009 She was a dog that my student, Emileigh found back in 2005 wandering/running on Highway 305 in Poulsbo. We don't know if she was lost, abandoned or what but she turned out to be the sweetest, smartest, kindest and most wonderful dog anyone could ever be lucky enough to call their own. Emmy was a Pom/Sheltie mix with a guesstimated age around 5 when she was found. Anyone who saw her commented on her beauty and grace. She wasn't super friendly but she would wag her tail and let you pet her if you approached. I truly think she had the best of both breeds in her but ultimately she acted l...

I am sitting here nervously this morning anticipating a horrible meeting but hoping for a miraculous report from Emmy's vet. She's been there for 24 hours being pumped with antibiotics and fluids and pain meds to fight the kidney infection and pancreatitis she seems to have taken on. I don't want to lose a second dog in 48 hours. I've taken the loss of Jessie much harder than I expected to. She was very old and we didn't have her full time until my mom passed away so my feelings of loss are intermingled with melancholy about missing my mom on a whole new level. It's a complicated kind of grief to say the least. With Emmy, this is about my child. Yeah, go ahead and tell me this isn't the same thing. Explain that to me and I'll still manage to punch you right in the face. Emmy is OUR first child, plain and simple. She is made us a threesome and we became a family. Dear God, I don't want to have to deal with losing her. Not yet...... And yet....w...

So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehn, Goodbye I am writing with a very heavy heart today. The dog I have known for nearly 16 years finally made her way to the Rainbow Bridge. Jessie was nearly 17 years old - a miracle for any breed let alone a Shar Pei. Her breed has an average lifespan of 8-10 years so everyday she was alive was a major miracle. She was such a calm and dignified dog for most of her life. I actually accused her of being more cat than dog (hence her nickname, Catdog). She was funny and loyal - she would always lay by your side or by your door at night keeping guard and watching over us. She loved being outside, watching over her huge yard on sunny days, even with that black fur coat of hers absorbing all that heat. She stayed by my dad's side as he got close to dying. She was my mom's shadow when she was alone making sure she would never be "alone". Saying goodbye to Jessie - March 20, 2012. We kept her with us for the last 17 months of her l...

Oy veh.....my mom always told me the worst part of getting old was watching everyone around you die. Eventually one of you is left standing and you are alone. I still wonder what she was doing the day she died. Since I didn't have the luxury of speaking to her that day, I don't know if she was feeling okay or not. I still cry now and then and I still hurt every day thinking about it. I try not to let it eat away at me like it used to. I just hope that she went quickly. She was still warm when I found her so I know it couldn't have been too long. Still, the guilt wreaks havoc in me - I wonder if there was anything I could have done differently leading up to that day. My beautiful mom was 80 when she left this world. She didn't look much over 60-ish so when I heard about Davy Jones (of the Monkees) dying last Wednesday I was so dumbstruck. He was one of my childhood crushes and I always admired him. Davy was only 66 when he suffered a massive heart attack. He was a ...

So today I noticed proof of my "letting go" of a lot of my anger and was I ever grateful. I even checked my blood pressure and it's down about 10 points from my norm! I did not let someone get to me at all. I'm still disappointed, even a bit sad but I did not get angry. I also realized that there are many people surrounding this person that are blind or in total denial about the situation. I am not going to apathetic about it but I'm not going to get myself all worked up about it either. Seriously, I know something has to happen - things have to change. I just realized there is a time and a place for it. I just need to be patient and do my thing. It feels good to not get all worked up over it. I am definitely in a better place today than I was a week ago. :) Oh, and Mark took me to the restaurant he proposed to me for our anniversary last night. I am never disappointed in their food! We enjoyed a great bottle of Chianti (I need to buy it again!) and the be...

My hubby & our 3 pups! To my dearest husband! Time flies when you're having fun!

I love reading Scripture.  Some of my friends may or may not be religious so forgive me if this post is a bit out of your comfort zone. Per my previous post, I've been kind of stewing over something for quite some time and really letting it get to me. I hate feeling like I've lost control over my own life but that's what happens when you let someone make you feel bad or weak or stupid. It's a tough thing, really. We're only human, right? We let other people's behaviors affect us because of it. We get grumpy because someone else is. We get happy when someone around us is happy. It's a contagious thing, emotions.  I am nearing a really big milestone and I find myself shocked that I'm still going over these kinds of things. I thought I would be really smart by now and not worrying over these things. Well, I do. I care what people think of me. I let people take the power. I get grouchy. I lose my temper. I worry. I let my blood pressure skyrocket! So o...

I have been really pissed off about something lately. I just want to let it go and stop carrying this anger. I know that God is there for me and I just need to give it to him. And yet I feel very alone in this. I feel like nothing is working or going my way in this situation. I have prayed about it but I'm still angry. I can't seem to use any of the visualization tricks I've been taught. I am going to try to have a serious prayer session and a long conversation with my God. I hope I can rid myself of this poison.

I've been thinking a lot about a particular subject lately. I have been trying to tactfully call people out when they do something wrong. Typically, I hate confrontation but I've been seeing a person getting away with awful behavior. I have said what needed to be said but I knew ultimately it would change nothing. When someone feels entitled, they continue to misbehave and do whatever they want. There is no consequence other than reward so nothing changes. I'm tired of it. So do I give up and walk away? Or do I continue the good fight? I want to do the right thing. I've prayed about it - and one of my biggest faults is that I'm not patient. I wonder......I guess I'll keep thinking about for a while longer.

I reached my saturation point with something/someone. Hate to be cryptic since this is where I dump all my innermost thoughts but I feel it best to just say I finally let something go that I'd been holding onto for a long time. I'm not giving up but I certainly am going to stop wasting my time and energy worrying. I will always be ready and available when the time comes but for now I am walking forward with my head held high. I'm tired of trying and trying and getting nothing but rebuttals and excuses so it's best to take care of myself and know that I did my best. The times they are a changin'. I'm feeling a shift of some kind.  I am looking forward to new adventures. Life is good.

Mark and I had a lovely evening with our dear friends, the Summers this past Sunday (Super Bowl Sunday at that!). We got to enjoy a big bowl of spaghetti (Christy really makes a mean Bolognese sauce!), salad and all that yummy garlic bread. I wish I could have enjoyed it more.... I was having a weird stomach thing Sunday (and Monday too) so while the taste was fab, the intestines were unhappy most of the night. We have long admired both Mr. & Mrs. S. for their strong faith in God. They truly walk the walk and talk the talk when it comes to this subject. Yes, they're human and they make mistakes. But the big thing that they do is truly have a relationship with God - they talk to Him and they listen to Him. I know that I talk to God all the time. But do I actually listen to the answer? Not all the time. Both Christy and Mark have their own conversations with God and then discuss with each other their needs and concerns. They work as a team (as any married couple should) and f...

I'm an avid fan of true crime dramas and cop shows on TruTV channel and Discovery and HLN too. I could spend hours watching and reading this stuff. I should have gone into forensics or done profiling for the FBI. I love this! I am super sensitive to people and their behavior and I'm affected by certain behaviors too. I had an experience when I was around 11 or 12 when I met a neighbor of one of my school friends. I was there because my friend's mom and my mom were best friends. We were next door babysitting an adorable toddler girl. I was roaming around the living room and the family had lots of bookcases loaded with books. Being the avid reader that I was (and still am) I was checking out every spine and one book in particular caught my eye. Oddly enough, it was an 'eye' on the cover that I saw. It drew me to it....it was a very strange and odd feeling. It was a book on the occult and it just seemed so out of place. Granted I was young and to see any book that di...

We took Mark's mom to the airport a week ago after her nearly 6 week visit with us. It is no secret that she has a tendency to make me crazy at times. Certain people in this world are here to test our patience and I will openly say that after my grandma passed on I thought I was done and had earned my merit badge. I was wrong. I've stated for the record that she really is a sweetheart and means well but has some things that cause those around her to have to call for a cleanup on aisles 5, 7 and 9. It's frustrating to deal someone, especially an elder that lacks wisdom. I don't know about you but I was raised to respect my elders, not just because they were older but because they were supposed to be learned and wise and would have lessons to teach us. Well, I know there are some great stories but the lessons learned turn out to be sad ones because she doesn't even know she is showing us so how not to behave. I guess that in and of itself is a valuable lesson. I g...

Warning: a not so nice blog..... Was trying to come up with a title for this post. Just as a reminder, I always try to reference music/song lyrics or titles in my blog titles just because music is my drug of choice. It's also the air that I breathe and any other metaphor you can think of. Don't mean to make this sound so hokey but....well, you know. I've been trying to figure out why my MIL has been driving me crazy. I don't want to be lumped into the gigantic pool of people who say they 'hate' their in-laws or they 'can't stand' them, etc. This isn't the case with me. I don't hate her at all. She's a sweet lady. She does have issues that make me nuts though and I've been trying to figure out exactly what they are. Typically, you can say "this person is rude" or "this person is evil" or some other very pointed description. I finally realized there are some things I would say about her (and this is not so very n...

I just glimpsed at a draft of a blog I wrote during the run of "Grey Gardens". I don't know why I didn't post it. It was a lovely tribute to a great audience - probably the night that folks who are related to the Beales (through Edie's father) came to see the show and praised me left and right. The greatest compliment they gave me was that I actually had the little things (mannerisms, vocal inflections and little facial expressions) down to a 'T'.  Wow! That was the night I felt I finally got this character right and I felt it all the way into my bones. I know it was a hard road getting to that semi-comfortable point in the show. I dragged out figuring out how to memorize so much dialogue and music. I am such a procrastinator! Now that I know how my brain likes to work (took me all these years!) it's not a difficult process other than it's time consuming. I cannot wait for another opportunity to chew up some scenery in a  drama or musical drama. ...

Just made it past birthday number 49. Gad zooks.... I never thought I'd even be this 'age' and the strange thing is that even though I'm not in great physical shape I still feel like I should be 30-35ish. To look at my birthdate, it really confuses me. Was I around that long ago and do I even remember life in the 60's? To tell you the truth, I barely remember being the ages of 4 through 9. Yes, I have pictures to help remind me and music is probably the biggest memory trigger of all. Still, I don't recollect much of my childhood - just smatterings here and there like broken mirror shards. Strange to feel like I've lived probably more than half my life already! Not trying to be morbid, I promise. Just looking at the average age of people and my odds say I'm more than half way done. Personally, I like my steak medium rare and in the weirdest of analogies, I definitely feel that way in my head.... now if I could just stop the body from being well done! ...

I have had so much going on since I started directing "White Christmas" in September! Here we are, fast forward to December and its closing night! I have much to say but need some of my well earned time to put those thoughts down. I will probably put things down in my lovely blog in some random bizarre order since my brain has become more random these past few months! I have had a ton of new opportunities shine on me in a matter of 48 hours. Plus I've seen friends or will see friends I haven't seen in 10+ years. This show has been a much needed tonic or elixir I've needed. Except for the continued (and somewhat delayed) packing up of my moms house everything else is so much more joyful in life again and it's lovely to be able to say that. It's been long road back to life and I'm glad I haven't had to pretend to be happy for the first time in many moons! Okay, I think it's time to bake some cookies!

I must have some incredibly high standards that are unreachable. I am in shock over someone's behavior right now. They have gotten away with horrible behavior over the past 5 years or so. I'm wondering how the hell they manage to worm their way into leadership positions despite their lack of respect toward others and their mediocre output. Seriously, I can't believe this person. And even worse, I chose to go against my gut and give them a chance to prove themselves. And they failed. And then lied. I hate to use the word 'never' as you always end up eating your words but he makes me want to say 'never again'. I'm going to put him on my list and keep him at arm's length. I'm done with trying to give any more chances. Time for them to start earning their way back with someone else. I'm going to move on and surround myself with people that care and try their best. Even if they fail, they're doing better than this person. At least they...

Philippians 4:13  I can do all things through him who strengthens me It has been a tough week. We delivered the papers to sell my mom's house and then find there's still a loan attached to the property. Of course, it's been paid off but I have to find proof of it which means we're going to be delayed in getting our paperwork finalized and get our money. The check is sitting at the escrow company and I can't touch it. I'm still looking for proof of the loan being paid off (which I know it was since my dad told me the day he wrote the final check many years ago) in order to get this stupid lien off the property. I find it so difficult to go to the house to even pack or do anything to finalize this. I am dragging my heels constantly, avoiding anything I can to deal with it. My grief seems even worse right now.... I manage to get through my required events of the day but it's all I can do to step foot into her house to pack. I keep praying. Praying fo...