Luck Be A Lady

If I'd had a hammer.....I'd probably would have pounded it against my head a year ago or tried to take down a few walls. But now I realize that so much of my frustrations weren't necessarily about my lack of ability or lack of success. I can see so much more clearly now that it wasn't about me. I was targeted occasionally which I know made me furious and I know that I wasn't always right or the smartest with my decision making skills. I did have the heart and I did want to do my best but sometimes it wasn't enough. I was fighting a very big mountain or concrete wall that seemed indestructible. Now that I've had a chance to step away and look at it I know that there is no way I could have moved that mountain. At least not at this time.... and I have finally accepted that. I don't like to accept defeat - I rarely let it go. But this time, I will and I'm okay with it. I can still do what's right and do my best to make things better but I need to...

I have been thriving being back at work this past week. I've missed being somewhere everyday for 8 hours at a time. I like being around people and kids a lot. I have been struggling personally since I've not had a full-time job for a little over a year. This the first time in my adult life that I've gone more than 8 weeks without a job. Of course, part of this is my own fault since I'm not willing to take just 'any' job and I really want to focus on my teaching. Still, it's been tough on us since we've been relying on Mark's income and his teaching (as well as mine) hasn't been as lucrative as it used to be when we worked out of a music store. I know that if my teaching doesn't pick up I'll have to go back to a retail job or something that I hate doing and the thought of it sickens me. I don't want to deal with that business again. I keep praying that something will work out and I keep looking and I have good friends who continue ...

So I am ever grateful for the summer kids workshops that I'm involved with right now. It has given me an opportunity to be at the theatre and work with some really neat people of all ages. I've really enjoyed the experience so far and I'm looking forward to seeing the end result (which happens to be the musical "Oklahoma"). While I would hate to call this situation an escape, that's kind of what it's been for me. My tolerance level for a certain someone has made it necessary for me to be able to get away and be in my 'safe' place (theatre). Granted, the workshop is a job and a fulfilling one at that and I really am loving and learning at the same time. But ultimately, this really has been a much needed place for me to hide out, calm down, focus on others and just be me. I literally have no patience for this certain someone. I can't believe how I am feeling about this right now. I am trying so hard to walk a mile in their shoes and keep remi...

Yesterday was a bad day....I should clarify that. It was a bad few hours. I'm hoping to find a way to write all this down in the next day or so.... I am so in need of patience, a lot of patience. Being impatient is probably one my worst traits. I keep praying that I'll find some somewhere soon.... maybe it's right around the corner? Over that hill? On the other side of the mountain? Somewhere.... Time for me to break down and get some caffeine. I've been avoiding coffee for the last 8 months and doing quite well. Not today.... I need a big energy boost to get through this day.

I realized I hadn't done something in a long time..... I haven't cracked open a book to read strictly for pleasure's sake. I've read scripts, newspapers, magazines (some for pleasure) and yes, I guess I need to rephrase my first statement as I have read cookbooks (which is incredibly pleasing for me but it's more of a 'how to' book). Still, I haven't read a regular book in forever. That changed today. I noticed that I totally relaxed and went to a place I hadn't been in awhile.... it was euphoric. I have really missed doing this. I look forward to finishing this book and if I can manage my normal pace it should be done within a few days.  It covers a topic that is near and dear to the child in me. I cannot wait to get lost in this current book.... ahhhhhh......

I have been feeling a little blah lately. I know part of it is just the normal depression I've been dealing with for the past 6 months. I know that with time this will all get better. Since they (whoever they are) say that 'time heals all wounds' I'm counting of the pain of my loss diminishing bit by bit and the regular me will finally be back. Life still goes on of course but I sure do find it hard sometimes to even get out of bed (or off the sofa) and be ambitious. Some days I'm better but the past few have been more difficult. I'm not worrying about this so much and just being able to say that it's been hard to motivate myself makes me feel a lot better. I can acknowledge it and move forward. Anyway, on to what I meant to discuss: as life does go on I was thinking about all my expectations in the arts whether it's music (both my husband and I are professional level musicians), theatre, movies, writing, art, etc. I find that I am super critical of ...

I had one of my recurring nightmares last night.... this one I've been having off and on for more than 20 years. I always hate it because it takes place in a very large, old and very scary looking building with more rooms and square footage than meets the eye. It's decrepit and gross in places and without going into too much detail, there can be a lot of disgusting solid matter lying about. What was strange about this dream was it woke me up around 6:15am (usually it's a 2 or 3 am thing) and as soon as I got up and realized it was 'that' dream I didn't want to go back to bed because I was sure I'd fall back into the dream. I got up, went to the bathroom and then got myself a drink from the kitchen to delay the inevitable. I finally crawled back into bed and sure enough I started dreaming the damn dream again. I couldn't stand it..... I even knew it was a dream and kept saying 'wake up!' to myself. What happened next is what happens to so many...

Today is my little Muffin's foster mom's birthday. I am so grateful for all these wonderful people who make it their life's work to rescue animals and give them refuge and eventually a 'forever' home. Our little furry girl has been with us for 14 months and she's finally acclimated to our life. She is such a crazy little pup...but of the three we've rescued she is the one who loves to cuddle, especially with Mark. Candy (Muffin's FM) is such a sweet and gracious gal from Taiwan who still goes about her day (after working a full time job) trying to save dogs from these crazy, vicious people who think it's fun to abandon them or even worse, kill them for sport.  She and the gang at Ocean Dog Rescue are amazing... I am so grateful I came upon their site and was able to save one pup. I wish I had the resources to save them all but since we've already rescued two others and taken on my mom's dog we're at our maximum at the moment.  Seriou...

I feel like a sinking ship right now. I knew I'd start to get a little depressed once I got close to the weekend and it's finally hitting me. No show this weekend...le sigh. While I'm glad (and Mark is too!) to have my weekends back I really loved this role and this show. I loved these songs, the story, etc. The only thing I won't miss is the frantic costume changing of Act II! Mark wants to get me a replica of Edie Beale's scarf pin as a memento (or as Edie would say...memora-bay-le-a) which I think is a wonderful idea. I have always loved scarves but typically they're around my neck as opposed to on my head. Now, having had to go through an entire act of a show with a scarf on my head (or a sweater!) I found it quite stylish and fun. You certainly don't have to worry about your hair! I definitely plan to invest in an Hermes scarf or two (they're pricey!) and start hunting at shops for antique ones. I think that's a great way to remember Miss Ed...

I just finished a run of 'Grey Gardens', the musical that is based on the movie (documentary) of the same name. I had the joy of playing both mom and daughter so it was an amazing experience to try to figure out the relationship from both ends. I'm still in shock that it's over. I can't fathom the fact that I don't have to do this show again next weekend. It's become very ingrained in me. Mark notices that my speech patterns and accent have changed. We laugh about it but it's true that Edie Beale has merged with me in more ways than one. I'm going to really feel the loss of this show. At the moment I'm just tired enough to not really feel it. But I know I will.... sure I have two shows to direct this coming season and another show to vocal direct so it is time to move on. But it will be tough to say goodbye to Edith and Edie. I know I'll shed a tear or two.

Sixteen years ago I was living life and not worrying about much.... I was enjoying being in a relationship and doing theatre (I was on a pretty long run of show after show after show - I had lots more energy and time back then!) and working for a music store. I felt like I was thriving..... not much to worry about other than where was vacation going to be that year! Sixteen years ago all was well. It was the calm before the storm before the rug was to be yanked from under me. Sixteen years ago a little puppy was born in June. She was a little black furball, all wrinkly and adorable. She was to live a life of fear and hell for her first year but within a few months she would join my family.  When I first met Jessie she was almost 15 months old and scared of her own shadow. She'd been horribly mistreated by her previous owner and the breeder took her back and decided to only sell her to a family that would not attempt to breed or show her - just love her and let her live a happy ...

That's a song title & quote from my current show, Grey Gardens. It's interesting to be in a play that is based on people that existed on this planet and then to hear real quotes either as dialogue or song lyrics. Norman Vincent Peale is a character in this play and this song is a transitional piece as well as a way to give the audience some relief in the middle of so much tragedy. During the show I have no connection to this song only because I'm rushing from a scene back to the dressing room to do a quick change. I do know the song since I learned it during rehearsals and I sang it with the cast during warmups on Sunday. It was nice to really hear the lyrics, sing along and get some 'happy' since the show itself isn't necessarily joyful. I find that this show drains me emotionally as well as physically so it takes me a couple of days to get out of my funk. I actually got home Sunday afternoon and was aching so bad I just wanted to crawl into bed. Mark t...

Continuing with today's blog.... My big acting gig came about this Spring when I got cast in "Grey Garden's" at the lovely Jewel Box Theatre in Poulsbo. Yes, this is a musical based on the documentary of the same name. It's the story of Big Edie & Little Edie Bouvier (aunt and cousin of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis) and I finally have gotten the role(s) of my lifetime. I'm not saying that Mama Rose (Gypsy), Maria (Sound of Music),  Diana (Chorus Line), Eve/Mama (Children of Eden) or Aldonza/Dulcinea (Man of LaMancha)  weren't big dream roles because they were. I am so grateful for those experiences in more ways than one. If anything they all prepped me for this experience. I have had issues with memorizing lines over the past few shows. I don't know if it was fear, procrastination, doubt, or combinations thereof but I was really worried about this show. I learned the songs relatively fast, mainly by listening to the cd for 8 weeks. I haven...

I should write more often.... I say that practically every time I write an entry! I really and truly enjoy doing this. I've always thought I should write a book and I do have several of them in my head. I guess it's a matter of sitting down and letting the words pour through my fingers and onto the keyboard, right? I think I'll try to start that project this year. I've got a couple of projects lines up already and two of them are shows to direct. I'm happy I've basically had this year off to do whatever I wanted. I've been teaching part-time, but that's it. I actually have been home a lot, watching the dogs and enjoying what little sunshine & warmth we've been given this Spring. Sad state of affairs around our beautiful Pacific NW only having about 4 days of warmth, right? Gee whiz, Mother Nature.... get your act together so we housewives can enjoy some time outside?  I only started truly gardening a few days ago since I was busy with my curren...

I'm sitting here looking at a little bit of that 'snow' that was supposed to bombard us yesterday but finally decided to show up. I think this snow should be fired for not knowing their entrance cue! Today is a wonderful day. It's also sad for me too. A year ago today I was sicker than a dog but managed to pull it together enough to marry the most wonderful man in the world. Mark and I were in balmy Las Vegas, celebrating the first day of the 'rest of our lives' and the first phone call we made as we were driving away from the chapel was to my mom. She knew where we were and what we were doing of course. But hearing her voice on my cell phone she seemed so joyfully surprised and that is the memory of the wedding I cherish and hold dearest to me right now. You never know when you'll be called back 'home' and I am grateful that I had my mom here on this earth to talk to on that special day. To think she didn't want to go because she...

I've managed to get through some of the big 'firsts' without my mom so far: Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday (also on Christmas). I should say 'we' managed as Mark is grieving too and sometimes I have to admit I get a bit self-absorbed in my grief and I forget that Mark is hurting in his own way. He not only has to deal with his loss but watching me go through my depression and despair. I don't admire his position one bit. I'm not the easiest person to deal with when I'm in an unhappy situation. New Year's hit me a bit differently though. I had forgotten how tied into my culture New Years was/is. My mom (being 100% Japanese) did all the traditional foods for New Years including mochi, chestnuts and some other Japanese treats. I know, chestnuts aren't necessarily Japanese but the people there love them and we always had them during the New Year's holiday as opposed to Christmas in my family. So I'm walking through Central Market (o...

It's been 6 weeks since I lost my mom and it feels like eons ago and yet like it never happened. I'm obviously in denial still despite my brain being very conscious of it.  I had a dream last night where I was at a very fancy party at a restaurant and I looked at a table and discovered my mom sitting there. She looked awful...as if she'd been through an accident and had surgical scars all over her face.  But she was alive and talking and all the while I kept saying 'But you're dead...'.  I found the dream unsettling but I know things like this happen as our minds process what's happened. I don't remember what she said in the dream but I won't forget how scary she looked to me. I'm going to have to think about this bizarre dream. I am still not really in the holiday spirit. I feel so bad for Mark because he wants to celebrate Christmas and it's all I can do to just keep the house semi-clean. I have no motivation. I've done some shoppin...

One thing I have been meaning to write about is my mom's funeral. It was small and lovely, just the way I think she would have wanted it. I only put the info in the paper and let family and friends know. I wanted it to be a mass of celebration and hope and it was. I will admit seeing my mom's ashes/urn at the church was a shock. The thought of her body being reduced to dust really got to me but Father David spoke so eloquently and gave me some sense of peace and understanding. He made my burden lighter considering it was the final 'goodbye'. The parish choir ladies and the altar society were so sweet. They were so genuine in wanting to ease our grief - I have never felt so supported by so many people. My dear friend Mary Reynolds was the pianist for the service which also made the music so much better. Many wonderful friends stood by me as I tried to just get through the day. Deacon Jim and the staff of Miller Woodlawn were also so wonderful as we held the Catholi...

'Steel Magnolias' is one of my all-time favorite plays/movies (I happen to like both). This blog title is a quote from Clarèe speaking to M'Lynn when she is worrying about Shelby's pregnancy. I always think about this quote during the darkest times. I've definitely had my share of dark times this year and yet I've had some incredibly happy moments too. One of the fondest memories I have of this year is when Mark and I just left the wedding chapel in Las Vegas and were driving back to our hotel to celebrate and we called my mom to let her know we were Mr. & Mrs. Jackson. She was so happy - she was practically giddy with joy. She's watched me go through some ups and downs when it comes to love and she was so thrilled that I married Mark. She just adored him. I am facing the prospect of dealing with my first Thanksgiving and Christmas and birthday without my mom. I'm not at all happy about this. I find every sappy holiday commercial on television to...

A friend of mine had this quote as her FB status and I had forgotten about this. I need to re-read this book. I already feel better knowing the genius that is A.A. Milne. :-) "Promise me you'll always remember: You're BRAVER than you believe - and STRONGER than you seem - and SMARTER than you think." Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh.