Luck Be A Lady

I don't want to dignify my blog with a stupid punk's name. I know I shouldn't let petty B.S. get to me but sometimes certain people can just say a few words, look at you or even just be breathing the same air as you and piss you off, know what I mean? I am a sensitive creature. I don't take insults and smart ass comments lightly. I 'try' to keep my mouth shut and not say anything for at least a ten count. I want to fly off the handle and just say what's on my mind at the time but I have been taught to try to chill and not dignify the asshat with a response that will just add fuel to the fire. FYI - I love the word 'asshat'. It makes me feel good to say it OR write it down. I'm no saint obviously, and I have a mouth that can swear like a sailor on a bad day. Not that 'asshat' (I'm just giggling with joy being able to type this word more than 3 times already) is a really bad word. It just gives me great satisfaction and glee to use it...

I have been wanting to write but was a bit preoccupied by some things. Mainly, we were on death watch for Jon's mom, Chris over the past couple of weeks. She just passed away a week ago after a two year battle with a lung disease. It was so tough to know to a certain extent what he was going through. I just re-read some of my blog entries around the time my mom died. I sobbed a lot..... it still hurts.... I still get depressed and feel lost. It's 20 months later and the hurt is still as deep as it was. Her funeral is today. Mark is going to be a pallbearer. I feel so much for Jon today. The worst day (besides the day I found my mom) was the day of her funeral/interment. I don't think I cried and felt the pain as much as I did that day. The tears I shed now as an adult seem more controlled and less frequent as when I was a teen or young adult but the pain is much deeper. It's because I really understand the logic of the loss and yet I don't understand it. Heart and...

It's ironic that despite my getting more relaxed about mistakes and failures I still writhe in agony when I don't get cast in a role I really want.  I'm not necessarily mad at the director or the person that got cast - trust me, having been a director for all these years I understand that we really do hold the fate of the world in our little hands. We end up disappointing a lot of people and make a few the happiest they've ever been. I was flashing back to last year when I got one of my biggest dream roles as Edith/Little Edie in "Grey Gardens". I know I had my memorization issues (which I have thankfully gotten under control and can now learn quickly, even at this late state in my life!) but boy, once I had those lines down I really LOVED doing that role. I had my frustrations throughout the show of course but I still enjoyed the exquisite agony of learning to be such a tortured soul. Did I create an enormous amount of bitterness or anger in those ladies ...

Okay folks... that's a real song and in no way a reference to "Wicked", the musical. I'm not a huge fan of "Wicked" to begin with so lets be sure to stop all references to that show now. Life has been crazy and insane. Some in good ways, others have been quite bad. I have finally been able to cross off some things from my bucket list this past spring and that's always a great feeling. I got through another show and was quite proud of it, despite some grumblings about the financials. Points of view really do depend on how your mind works - I'm amazed at how the ability to be positive and life affirming is so good for me and how someone negative can bring down my energy and depress me with words. Cutting me like a knife (without meaning to), I really had to step away and re-evaluate some things about my last show.  Ultimately, I decided to swear and say "fuck em" (pardon me, gentle reader if I offend) and move on.  I had a great show.... ev...