Luck Be A Lady

If I'd had a hammer.....I'd probably would have pounded it against my head a year ago or tried to take down a few walls. But now I realize that so much of my frustrations weren't necessarily about my lack of ability or lack of success. I can see so much more clearly now that it wasn't about me. I was targeted occasionally which I know made me furious and I know that I wasn't always right or the smartest with my decision making skills. I did have the heart and I did want to do my best but sometimes it wasn't enough. I was fighting a very big mountain or concrete wall that seemed indestructible. Now that I've had a chance to step away and look at it I know that there is no way I could have moved that mountain. At least not at this time.... and I have finally accepted that. I don't like to accept defeat - I rarely let it go. But this time, I will and I'm okay with it. I can still do what's right and do my best to make things better but I need to...

I have been thriving being back at work this past week. I've missed being somewhere everyday for 8 hours at a time. I like being around people and kids a lot. I have been struggling personally since I've not had a full-time job for a little over a year. This the first time in my adult life that I've gone more than 8 weeks without a job. Of course, part of this is my own fault since I'm not willing to take just 'any' job and I really want to focus on my teaching. Still, it's been tough on us since we've been relying on Mark's income and his teaching (as well as mine) hasn't been as lucrative as it used to be when we worked out of a music store. I know that if my teaching doesn't pick up I'll have to go back to a retail job or something that I hate doing and the thought of it sickens me. I don't want to deal with that business again. I keep praying that something will work out and I keep looking and I have good friends who continue ...

So I am ever grateful for the summer kids workshops that I'm involved with right now. It has given me an opportunity to be at the theatre and work with some really neat people of all ages. I've really enjoyed the experience so far and I'm looking forward to seeing the end result (which happens to be the musical "Oklahoma"). While I would hate to call this situation an escape, that's kind of what it's been for me. My tolerance level for a certain someone has made it necessary for me to be able to get away and be in my 'safe' place (theatre). Granted, the workshop is a job and a fulfilling one at that and I really am loving and learning at the same time. But ultimately, this really has been a much needed place for me to hide out, calm down, focus on others and just be me. I literally have no patience for this certain someone. I can't believe how I am feeling about this right now. I am trying so hard to walk a mile in their shoes and keep remi...

Yesterday was a bad day....I should clarify that. It was a bad few hours. I'm hoping to find a way to write all this down in the next day or so.... I am so in need of patience, a lot of patience. Being impatient is probably one my worst traits. I keep praying that I'll find some somewhere soon.... maybe it's right around the corner? Over that hill? On the other side of the mountain? Somewhere.... Time for me to break down and get some caffeine. I've been avoiding coffee for the last 8 months and doing quite well. Not today.... I need a big energy boost to get through this day.

I realized I hadn't done something in a long time..... I haven't cracked open a book to read strictly for pleasure's sake. I've read scripts, newspapers, magazines (some for pleasure) and yes, I guess I need to rephrase my first statement as I have read cookbooks (which is incredibly pleasing for me but it's more of a 'how to' book). Still, I haven't read a regular book in forever. That changed today. I noticed that I totally relaxed and went to a place I hadn't been in awhile.... it was euphoric. I have really missed doing this. I look forward to finishing this book and if I can manage my normal pace it should be done within a few days.  It covers a topic that is near and dear to the child in me. I cannot wait to get lost in this current book.... ahhhhhh......